Widows and widowers may need to build a new network

Almost 50 years ago, Lynn Caine wrote the seminal book on widowhood, entitled “Widow” (1974). It's about the problems and social situation widows face after the death of their husbands. It was a bestseller. And there have been lots and lots of articles and books written on this same topic in the years since.

Just recently, a friend sent me an article on the difficulties still faced by widows. It's a very good essay: “Three things a widow should know,” by Sophia Dembling. (Nov. 18, 2022. Psychology Today). The three things are compassionate friends, team of pros, and respect. However, it's sort of amazing to me that after all these years, widows are still facing most of the same problems.

Their problems are many, because many widows still find themselves no longer included in their old “couples group” of friends (or not often, it seems). Many are facing financial difficulties or, even in good situations, are dealing with a much reduced income and a very different lifestyle. Therefore, many widows are somewhat socially isolated, and even more so now with COVID lingering on and on.

I think one of the biggest challenges, once we come to grips with new grief, is the abrupt change in lifestyle. I remember myself how odd it was no longer going to dinner at the usual places. So many evening dinner parties and social events are really for couples.

Also, not traveling or going on vacations together was a big change for me since we used to travel a lot.

So when middle age and older, it's still really a “couples world.” All this upheaval and isolation is not just the domain of women, but also experienced by widowers.

There has been some, but not enough, written about the situation of men left without their wives after 50 or 60 years of a happy marriage (sometimes even fewer years). Part of this neglect is due to demographics: Women are much more likely to outlive their husbands, whether because of war, age differences or illness. So widows have gotten a lot more attention than widowers.

Not all widows and widowers are seniors — many are left with young children. So this is a whole other ballgame because they are now single parents on top of the grief. This happens to more people than you may think.

What to do?

• Of course, relying family and best friends is the first defense. Lucky is the person who has a supportive family and has a few good friends who actually understand.

• Build a new network of friends who enjoy getting together for dinner or going out to restaurants, or sharing holidays, trips, music. I've personally taken this approach.

• Another path to help is through a support group of people who are coping with somewhat similar situations. If not a grief support group, join a group that is focused on one of your specific interests. Shared interests or causes can be very helpful, sustaining and engaging. Most churches and hospitals offer such groups.

I belong to a Monday Morning women's group that started in 2019 as a support group for women living alone, either widowed, divorced or never married. It's small with regular attendance. Once we had all shared our stories, the group soon morphed into what I would call a friendship group — lots of fun with women from many different backgrounds and experiences, and points of view, especially political ideas (a topic we learned to avoid!). Members have gotten to know each other. We meet every week, talk about whatever is on our minds, and then we usually go out to lunch together. We now plan other excursions to events or local attractions. Not everyone goes to all the extra activities, but nice options are offered.

• Finally, there are online resources, too, and many helpful books. Online, Google “Modern Widows Club.” It's a network started by a young widow, Carolyn Moor. The website is packed with ideas and support resources. It's free and no formal membership is required. Also, for men, just Google “resources for widowers” and you will find some good leads and a few books for widowers.

The point is: If one has lost their beloved, we need to reach out. Old friends, new friends, close relatives — or seek a compatible group of people who share similar challenges. They may have some useful ideas worth exploring on coping.

Of course, the group must be a good “fit” — the right chemistry for you. You may have to try one or two groups to find the right one. You'll know. But the right group can be wonderful.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.