Savor time when you or a loved one has 'The Conversation'

I recently learned about what medical professionals call "The Conversation." It's when they must tell a patient they cannot cure or fix their ailment.

As it turns out, there are many illnesses that cannot be fixed. Any many of these are long-term progressive conditions. Some may be diagnosed several years ahead, or even 10 years ahead of time, before they get a lot worse.

We usually think modern medicine can correct most everything. Actually, there are many health conditions that have no cure. But one might have "time." Time to live.

Some ailments are not life-threatening but cause pain and restrictions on day-to-day life. Yet when something can't be cured, it is a difficult message to give and to receive. Sometimes death is close. Often the prognosis is years from now. It's some condition that will get serious somewhere down the road, even though it's manageable now. Some health conditions are not terminal but still must be coped with on a daily basis.

So now what to do?

This is not a very cheerful topic for the start of a big holiday season. However, many of us must enter the holidays with the diagnosis of a progressive or chronic illness - either for themselves, or for a dear partner, relative or friend.

When you think of it, this is a season of joy and the fresh beginnings of New Year approaching. So there is a lot of cheer, support and hopefulness around us at this time of year.

There is a saying, "knowledge is power." In my experience, that's a good place to start. As it turns out, there are some good references that help give perspective on the situation.

One is Barbara Karnes's publication "A Time to Live: Living with a Life-Threatening Illness," (bkbooks.com, 2021). Among other insightful points, she writes about the gift of time. She says when one has time, it's possible to not only get perspective on what's happening, but also spend it in positive ways. Take time in one's own hands, so to speak.

So while still healthy, take the chance to enjoy friends and life in general. This depends on personality and inner strength, of course, but it's the path one can take.

Another resource is "When There Is No Cure," (Craig Svensson, 2019, Consilium Publishing). It's about how to thrive while living with chronic illness. He's a pharmacist and scientist who has been relied on as an expert by the National Institutes of Health. The book is based on his own personal experience with chronic illness and chronic pain, and that of his mother's, who also lived with chronic illness. It is well-written and packed with useful, practical examples and advice on situations and problems one may encounter.

And as we move toward the Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year season, there is also a special challenge for the bereaved facing the festivities without a loved one who has died. This is even tougher if it is the first year without them. So with the backdrop of terminal illness, chronic illness or death, this blessed holiday season can be very hard.

So the point is: There is experience and expert advice out there that can be helpful. One of the ideas that stuck in my mind is "the gift of time." Whether healthy or dealing with illness - time here on earth is a finite, not forever. We mustn't waste time.

Use time to our positive advantage. We have all faced problems and challenges in our lives. We can use some of that strength now. So onward to the holidays, and do the best we can.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.