The best ways to support a friend or loved one with breast cancer

When someone first learns they have breast cancer, it can feel like a gut punch to the soul. Fears, doubts, uncertainties and apprehensions can surface, making it difficult to stay focused.

During and following treatment, it may be more challenging to summon the strength and determination to accomplish routine tasks. It's times like these where friends and loved ones are crucially important, say experts and cancer survivors alike.

“Receiving a breast cancer diagnosis can make you feel alone, isolated and afraid. Treatment is equally alienating and scary. When we feel alone, we often feel hopeless. But support from friends and family is extremely helpful and can provide much-needed comfort and hope,” says Sarah Kouten, a therapist and breast cancer survivor in Saint Augustine, Florida. “When patients experience a positive outlook and feel like loved ones have their back, they tend to follow through on treatment and other beneficial activities.”

Ellen Albertson, a North Hero, Vermont-based psychologist, author and a board-certified health and wellness coach who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, echoes those thoughts.

“Friends can help you stay happy, laugh, and forget your troubles. They can also make sure you practice self-care by encouraging you to exercise, rest and eat right,” says Albertson.

Christina Moreno, a Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada-based certified personal development coach and breast cancer survivor, appreciates how her close circle went the extra mile to elevate her spirits as she navigated her breast cancer experience years back.

“Seeing others genuinely hopeful for me, especially during times when fear would take over, was very comforting. It's sort of like being on a turbulent flight and looking at the flight attendants' reactions to gauge whether or not you should panic,” she says.

Know someone you care about who is dealing with breast cancer? Even small gestures can make a big difference in her life.

“Ask the person what she needs and get specifics. Does she need a ride to the doctor's office? Does she need you to cut the grass? Are there any favorite meals you can make for her? Don't assume you know what she needs - inquire,” Albertson suggests.

Remember support can come in many forms.

“You can offer to clean, care for the kids, and provide transportation to appointments,” Kouten says. “For those who are more empathetic and tuned into emotions, you can sit with the patient and lend an ear, providing validation and listening without trying to solve every problem. Or you can provide distractions by taking them to a movie, watching TV together and spending time being 'normal' and not preoccupied with breast cancer.”

Cinde Dolphin, a three-time breast cancer survivor from San Luis Obispo, California, recommends practicing patience with and continually demonstrating kindness to your friend or relative with breast cancer.

“Avoid the tendency to ask them about activities, family health history or earlier signs that may have triggered the disease. Help them stay in the present and avoid falling down the rabbit hole of over-researching breast cancer,” Dolphin advises.

Additionally, remind your loved one you still see her as the same precious person she has always been.

“Continue to ask about and value her thoughts and opinions on things other than cancer. For example, if your friend is a bookworm, ask what they've read lately,” Moreno says. “Breast cancer can come with hair loss, pale skin, scars and weight gain. Point out to your loved one all the different ways her beauty continues to shine through. Also, be aware of the language you use. Not everyone likes or wants to use fighting language when it comes to cancer. For some patients who are sensitive to words and like to use language to support themselves in healing, it's helpful to listen and adapt to how they are choosing to experience it.”

Others agree that words matter, so choose them carefully.

“Personally, it bothers me when everyone's response to your cancer diagnosis is 'I'm sorry.' That can feel so disempowering,” Albertson adds. “I'd much rather people say to me, 'I love you. How can I support you, and what do you need?' ”

Also, encourage your loved one to seek extra support and resources from breast cancer organizations like the Susan G. Komen Foundation, Living Beyond Breast Cancer, CancerCare.org, Young Survivor Coalition, Breast360.org and others.

Lastly, when offering support, avoid being pushy or critical and try not to micromanage or “fix” your friend.

“By telling them all the things they should be doing - like thinking positive, exercising, eating healthier, etcetera - this can be interpreted as blame,” Kouten cautions. “There's a fine line between encouragement and shaming.”