Listen to and check in with your child often

With school back in session, many parents are experiencing a relief from the summer melee. Children have somewhere to go. Life is more routine.

Yet the return to school can also bring back stress and emotions that receded during the summer. And although this school year is far more typical than the recent past, things are still in the process of normalizing and students are still in the process of readjusting. If 2020 was a storm, then maybe 2022 is a drizzle … with some lingering fog.

We can support our children during this school year first and foremost by being mindful of the ongoing impact of the pandemic (not that we could forget!) and remembering they still may need a little extra sensitivity.

Here are seven things to consider in interactions with your children this fall.

1.) Ask questions: The new school year brings new teachers, classmates, schedules and expectations. In order to support our children through this adjustment, it can be helpful to ask questions about the changes. What is going well? What might not be going as planned? Opening up these conversations early can give us the opportunity to help our children develop tools to better address concerns before they feel insurmountable.

2.) Check-in often: While we do not want to be overbearing, it is important to check in with our children on a regular basis. Unless a specific problem or concern has already been identified, these conversations can be short and casual — an opportunity to learn about their day. Even if we are met with irritation or, at best, one-word answers, the act of asking communicates to our children that we care (and that does matter, even if it doesn't appear to).

3.) Listen: When our children are speaking to us about problems or concerns, it's important we remember to do more listening than talking. This can be very difficult, particularly if time is limited and we feel we can quickly solve the problem; however, listening is the best way to help our children feel that we are attempting to understand. Consequently, this approach is far more likely to encourage repeat encounters.

4.) Pause and think before speaking: In an effort to curb my own urge to talk more than listen (and, if I'm being honest, my tendency to be more critical than I'd like to admit), I have found a useful strategy for these conversations with my own daughter. Before speaking, I think about how I want the conversation to end. That is, how do I want to feel and how do I want her to feel? In doing so, I am more focused on making this a productive interaction for both of us and I am challenged to bite my tongue on things I might want to say but are truly not necessary. This method is by no means fool proof, but it helps me to be more selective with how I respond and, when I do it well, I feel like it benefits our relationship.

5.) Understand you'll make mistakes: I am a parent. I mess up all the time. It is OK to make mistakes. It is OK not to have all of the answers — or any of the answers! We just need our children to get the message that we are there to support them. We will figure it out together. They are not alone. Even in the absence of answers, there is immense power in feeling “not alone.”

6.) Teach self-care: We can also help to prepare our children for adversity by teaching (and modeling) self-care. School is important. Sports are important. The school play is important. But none are more important than mental and physical health. With our help, our children can learn to notice signs in their behavior that indicate they are doing well or that they are struggling. We can also work with our children to develop a list of coping activities for responding to stress, sadness and worry.

7.) Model wellness: Proactively model and promote wellness at home by ensuring children are getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals and limiting screen time. We want to aim for consistency and routine with sleep and wake times, mealtimes, homework and activities.

These things may sound simple, but they help to build a solid foundation for mental and physical health. As a parent, I like knowing that even when all else feels lost, I can rely on the basics and know I am doing some good.

Checking-in with our children can also become a part of our daily routine; one that empowers us to support the emotional health of our children and catch concerns early. When we collaborate with our children to tackle problems, we have the opportunity both to help them and to give them a template for independently responding to problems in the future. These are instances where we can teach organizational strategies, problem-solving skills and stress management.

We can demonstrate that it is OK to reach out for help and model how to do so.

• Children's health is a continuing series. Gabrielle A. Roberts has a doctorate and is a pediatric psychologist affiliated with Advocate Children's Hospital.