Lobster dinner at the 10-year mark

Two years after my beloved Baheej died, I went to New Hampshire to see my dear relatives, Noelle and Bud, and see friends. Baheej is buried there in Durham, New Hampshire, in the Khleif family plot.

I spent some important and enjoyable time talking with my friend, Pat, whose husband had died 10 years earlier. I've learned a lot about grief from her over the years. At the time, 10 years sounded far away. But we have quite a lot in common. I listened intently and am grateful I was forewarned about some aspects of grief. Ten years stuck in my mind. What would it be like for me after 10 years?

Now, here I am at my own 10-year mark, August 2012 to August 2022. So now I know.

Long-term grief is a very complicated matter. I guess it never really goes away for many - anyway, so it is for me. As I've said before, grief did change as these last 10 years moved along, mainly because I learned how to better manage it and cope over time. But the grief is still here. That's a special challenge.

It's interesting and helpful how vivid memories and feelings can be after 10 years. In my experience, that is a good thing. It helps. Well, I will just continue on and do the best I can.

Today on my morning garden walk, right on my usual route, I found a beautiful feather - haven't found one for a while. It's always a good luck communication sign.

Another totally different 10-year mark is coming up: the 10th birthday of my two now grown-up cats on Sept 1. This is surely another good sign; they are happy and healthy. They were born just two weeks after Baheej died. I've always thought they were a gift from Baheej because he knew I wanted kitties. So I got busy raising them to be good, smart and affectionate cats, which they are.

Anyway, on the anniversary of Aug. 11, I wanted to do something soothing. So I did. I treated myself to a New England lobster dinner, the kind of lobster that is cooked whole and you eat it with your hands and a pair of lobster sheers while wearing a lobster bib. It's a messy hands-on dinner. But fun and delicious.

Usually lobster is served with corn on the cob and a baked potato, or potato salad, or a steamed veggie. This time, it was baked potato and broccoli, not corn. I enjoyed it and it was a nice, nostalgic feeling. Baheej loved lobster.

The point is: Some of these particular dates, whether anniversaries or milestones, are a good time for reflection. The periodic taking stock of how life is going can be a very healthy, in my experience. I've been anticipating Baheej's 10-year mark for a while. And now that it has come and gone, I realize I'm doing pretty well. It's not the scary milestone I anticipated, but another marker on the journey … to be continued.

I think Baheej approves of how it's going. So onward along the path. And I will plan a little 10-year birthday surprise for my kitties when Sept. 1 arrives.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.