Loneliness and our need for connections

We are not homebound anymore by COVID-19, at least not completely. In 2019, a year before the pandemic isolated us at home, I joined a women's Monday morning group. I went first as a speaker about grief. They were all interesting women and all new to me.

I knew they were interesting people because they had invited me to speak, but they didn't even let me get a word in edgewise! Instead, they talked about all their own thoughts and activities, including Delores, who told us all about her recent trip to Israel to see many of the historic places. So they invited me back the next week to speak, which I did. Then they asked me to stay and join their group. So I did.

The original idea for this Monday group was to meet once a week to discuss "living alone." Basically, to give each other ideas. As we all got to know each other, it became more of a friendship group and we started doing a few other social activities together.

For instance, we started a "girls night out" at the nearby Anvil Club restaurant on Friday nights. Some of us would meet there for an early supper together and then when the piano player or other fun, live (calm) music started, sometimes we would sing along. It was fun and delicious - low key, easy, safe parking, convenient.

When the pandemic hit, this outing ended, of course, and so did our Monday meetings - for over a year until the vaccines were available. So now our meetings have restarted, yet I miss that extra "girls night out." We should restart it. And, of course, men could do a "boys night out" with their friends - especially when living alone. Actually, I've noticed that in the good weather there are several men who gather at Diamond Jim's outside bar for a beer together, and they hang around talking to each other. It's the same idea.

Well, our Monday morning group discussions have branched out to basically talking about anything on our minds or of mutual interest. We usually go to lunch after our meeting, which is also enjoyable.

We always treat the "living alone" issue as a problem of having too much time, and not enough to do. Although, personally, I always have a long list of projects and things to do, so time is not really a problem for me. I understand, however, this can be a problem for those always used to being out and about, being with others at some activity every day.

Recently I've been reading about the problem of loneliness and its impact on physical and emotional well-being. Turns out, this is certainly related to living alone and to my interest in the dangers of social isolation. Too much time home alone could lead to loneliness.

So I got more and more interested in the topic of loneliness, and I found some groundbreaking work on the impact of social isolation on loneliness - and the negative impact of loneliness on health. (John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick, "Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection," W.W. Norton and Co., 2008.) Obviously, being home alone for long periods of time, socially isolated, could become loneliness.

In this book, they lay out in great detail how the changes over the past 70 years in the nature of work, community, travel and communication have led to increased social isolation, and to loneliness.

I was led to this research because John Cacioppo is the husband of Stephanie Cacioppo, the neurologist who did research on how being in love "rewires" the brain to deepen attachment and thus deepens the intensity of grief. And their research interests overlapped because great love, followed by grief, can certainly lead to loneliness. Two neurologists. Nice.

My husband and I were/are both sociologists, so I get it - sharing a professional or artistic or other common interest does seem to increase attachment, at least in my experience.

The point is: This research on loneliness reminds us to be wary of social isolation. When COVID-19 came along, it also increased the "being alone" phenomenon. Social life is now better, but not totally back to where it was pre-COVID by any means. For instance, I attended my first big group event in two years just last month!

In any case, it's probably best for us to get back out there. The current message is we need to learn to live with it, find a balance. Be part of social life. And so now I've gone to my first estate sale in two years, a little house close by. I got a couple treasures and went back to get a couple more, on 50% off day - two cat ceramic statues; they were still there.

It feels good out there. Now time to get back to "girls night out."

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.