How you can support family caregivers

Chances are you have been a family caregiver, or you know someone who is. These are family members or friends who provide unpaid, long-term care and assistance to loved ones who have physical or mental impairment (perhaps both) caused by one or more chronic health conditions, stroke and dementia being the most common.

Caregivers help with a variety of routine tasks such as shopping, preparing meals, paying bills, bathing, dressing and managing medicines — things that are known as “activities of daily living.” They are often a source of emotional support and companionship for care recipients, too.

And their services are quite valuable. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that unpaid caregivers provide care worth $470 billion a year and are keeping millions of people out of long-term care facilities.

Caregiving can be a rewarding experience. In my work as a patient advocate, I've encountered many clients who are cared for wonderfully by a spouse, child or sibling who wouldn't have it any other way.

But the role is also demanding — physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially. Caregivers often sacrifice their jobs and pay out of pocket to assist their loved ones. They can experience stress, burnout and physical problems of their own.

The caregiving journey is often a long one. If you know someone who is providing long-term care to a loved one, it would a great kindness to offer them support and encouragement in tangible ways.

How best to do that though? We should observe some rules of the road so that we aren't making things more demanding or difficult for the caregiver. Here are some things to consider.

1. Keep in touch. It's likely you will need to be the one to initiate communication because the caregiver is busy. Send a card or a note, or call regularly — especially if you live far away.

2. Educate yourself. Learn what you can about the condition or illness the care recipient has so you can better understand what kind of support a caregiver may need.

3. Give the gift of listening. Listen with empathy and compassion when the caregiver tells you what's going on. Don't give unsolicited advice, don't share horror stories and try not to talk too much about yourself.

4. Give the gift of time. It may take some convincing to get a caregiver out the door for a few hours of relaxation or amusement — after all, they feel responsible for their loved one. But if you're capable of taking care of things for a short period, remind the caregiver that they need to care for themselves, too. Maybe they'd like to go to church, get a haircut or go to a movie.

5. Bring food. Providing nutritious home-cooked fare that's good for both the care recipient and the caregiver can relieve a lot of stress. The caveat here is to make sure you understand and can accommodate dietary needs.

6. Ask what you can do. The caregiver may appreciate your doing a few loads of laundry, picking up some things at the grocery store, or dusting and vacuuming the house — but you won't know unless you ask. Many times, a caregiver will decline help because “I can do it myself.” Gently encourage them to be open to offers of assistance and let them know you're standing by whenever they're ready.

7. Bring a treat. Flowers, maybe some cupcakes or a book they may like will brighten the caregiver's day. But, please, no big surprises, like showing up at the door with a bunch of friends.

8. Offer to drive. You could, for example, transport the caregiver and their loved one to a doctor's appointment and assist them with the logistics of getting in and out of the car and into an elevator. Bonus: Stop for ice cream or lunch on the way home.

9. Organize. You don't have to do this alone. Maybe you could recruit some other family members, neighbors and friends to pitch in. Create a schedule so the caregiver knows who's coming when and what they're prepared to do.

10. Respect boundaries. Find out what the best times are to visit or offer help. Maybe the caregiver needs assistance in getting their loved one ready for bed, so help in the evening is more welcome. Let the caregiver know that they're driving this bus and that you won't do anything they don't want you to.

I would also say this: Don't let your feelings get hurt if the caregiver turns down your offers of support. Back off, do little things (like sending a card) and let them know you're willing to step up.

• Teri Dreher is a board-certified patient advocate. A critical care nurse for 30+ years, she is founder of NShore Patient Advocates (www.NorthShoreRN.com). She is offering a free phone consultation to Daily Herald readers; call her at (847) 612-6684.