Lincicome: For some golfers it only matters if the check clears

The obligation to explain "sportswashing," is hereby accepted, a duty inflicted upon the serious sports columnist by, of all things, golf, famously and forever identified by Mark Twain as "a good walk spoiled."

We have come a long way from Twain, of course, what with golf carts for hire and Saudi Arabians mucking into the game, leaving us today to ask the question, "Which came first, the chicken or Phil Mickelson?"

Here is the short version of what's going on. Golfers who play for money are playing for more money. And for only 54 holes (hence, the LIV) instead of 18. Being paid more for doing less is the American dream, so I don't know how anybody has a complaint.

One golfer, the fresh husband of Wayne Gretzky's daughter, was given a reported $150 million for agreeing to take it. Tiger Woods, who can barely play golf any more, may have turned down money "in the high nine figures."

These enticements have upset golf purists, many of whom earn something "in the low five figures" but nonetheless see only evil and insolence in those who dare accept the riches of, to sanitize Mickelson's phrase, "scary bleepers."

In my experience professional golfers don't care where the money comes from, which corporate sponsor, car company or mortgage forecloser is putting on the event that week, just as long as the check clears.

But the Saudis are a different companion, lest we forget that 15 Saudis visited us on 9/11/01. Yet we still do business with them, as well as with other countries that are not concerned with human rights nor the abuses thereof.

We all live in an unfair world but the only nation that consistently ranks as the first or second worst place to not be a member of a royal family is our old oil buddy, the Saudis.

A few golfers, such as the aforementioned Gretzky son-in-law, the once and adorable fellow from Spain who first came to our attention hopping up a fairway at Medinah, Phil, of course, now sporting stubble and his own logo since being dumped by his sponsors, a few others who have won titles and a promise of more titleholders to come, all join the struggle between the rich and the richer. But basically the "tour" is a collection of once-were's and never-will-be's.

The wise golfers are the ones taking the free millions now while the millions are there because the millions won't be there later. I am guessing by the time this great hustle gets to Chicago - to Sugar Grove, actually - in September, it won't be.

This reminds me of the old North American Soccer League that figured by buying brand names like the Peles and Beckenbauers and George Bests while they could still walk would create a soccer frenzy in America. It didn't happen then and nothing David Beckham can do will make it happen now.

Which brings me to where I started. Sportswashing.

I saw it happen here, sports changing minds about a place. I used to ride by shared taxi to Wimbledon. When someone asked where I was from and I said Chicago, invariably, the other passengers would go rat-a-tat with a pretend Tommy gun.

By the time the Bulls had won, oh, maybe only two NBA titles, when I said "Chicago," the other passengers would yell delightedly, "Ah, Michael Jordan!"

The most famous example of sportswashing was the 1936 Berlin Olympics, expected to showcase Aryan superiority, until Jesse Owens ruined it for them. Sochi, too, was meant to change minds about Russia, but only reaffirmed how venal Russia can be.

Why Saudi Arabia thinks it can change anyone's mind by starting a golf tour is beyond me. But they've got the money to push a dumb idea. Golf is golf and never the Twain shall meet. Sorry about that.

I tried to catch the thing on TV and found it on YouTube. I, and the cameras, were only interested in how Phil and the Gretzky son-in-law were doing. Nothing I saw justified one gushing commentator insisting that this was "for the fans, for the players and for the game. And don't blink, you'll miss something."

The most confusing thing was that foursomes were playing for teams as well as for themselves.

I am not sure how the team feature works but as best as I can tell Slytherin and Gryffindor are neck and neck.