Syndicated columnist Bonnie Jean Feldkamp: How building trust in everyday moments dismantles the proverbial closet
Last week, Missouri Rep. Ian Mackey challenged fellow Rep. Chuck Basye about legislation being put forth regarding transgender rights. It made me think about how we learn to trust one another in our relationships.
In the exchange, Mackey asks Basye, "Your brother wanted to tell you that he was gay, didn't he?"
Basye responded, "He was expressing that to the family, and he thought that we would hold that against him and not let our children be around him."
"Why do you think he thought that?" Mackey pressed further.
"I don't know, it never would have happened, I'll tell you that. My kids, at that point in their life, adored my brother," Basye said.
Mackey then launched into a passionate explanation of why he believed Basye could not be trusted with such a disclosure: "If I were your brother, I would have been afraid to tell you, too, because of stuff like this," he said, referring to an anti-transgender bill that Basye supported.
Relationships aren't made in those moments of big disclosures or times of personal crisis. It's how one handles everyday interactions that show a person you love if they are worthy of the big moments. If I witness your support of racist, sexist or bigoted behavior in everyday happenings, I assume you will not be a soft place to land for me.
This is why the Trevor Project reports that LGBTQ young people report lower rates of attempting suicide when they have access to LGBTQ-affirming spaces.
Emotional equity is built over time in relationships. Dr. John Gottman is well known for his studies of married people. His research found that the "magic ratio" for a happy relationship is 5-to-1. This means for every negative interaction there are five positive ones. This is as simple as an embrace when someone comes home at the end of the day. It's showing interest and offering affection.
These small, ordinary moments reveal who you are and determine for others if you are trustworthy. If you want a child, friend or spouse to come to you with the big stuff, then you have to be available to them for small moments by demonstrating that you value them as a person each and every day with emotional check-ins and compassion regarding what's important to them.
So, yeah, Mackey is on to something. If your day is filled with supporting legislation that restricts the rights of LGBTQ community members then, of course, that person you love but don't know is gay will not consider your presence a safe place to be themselves.
In an ideal world, people would never have to go through painful worry about telling someone they are queer. Emotional equity built over time means that you already know me, my heart and my interests.
Therefore, when you show up with whomever you're dating it's a simple introduction of "This is my person," and you feel loved and supported regardless of who that person is. No one ever has to "come out" of any closet if they are never put in one to begin with.
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