What if one feels relief and guilt instead of grief?

Some time ago, someone close to me told me sometimes people feel relief and guilt instead of, or along with, grief following a death of a person with whom they had a bad relationship.

And it's true — that not everyone is grieving over a particular death. Some supposedly “close” relationships are really not close or may even be negative or destructive. Or a mix of “good” and “bad.”

I was reminded of this recently when a thoughtful reader wrote to me, reminding me of this problem — which is usually not discussed because it's another one of those taboo topics about death. People around may not even know about the true nature of the relationship between the parties — whether spouse, parent, sibling or other person. People can be very good at concealing actual feelings and situations, especially outside the inner family circle.

Well, it's true, my column is aimed at those who have lost a dearly loved one and are in grief — not about all death or reactions to the death of a bad or oppressive situation. So I am focused on positive ways to cope with and manage grief. Nevertheless, the possible existence of relief and guilt over a death, instead of grief, should be recognized.

And, of course, there are many reasons for feelings of relief — such as the end of a painful terminal illness where a loved one was suffering so and everyone was under constant strain, tension and worry. Or guilt that more could have been done. But if one has done all they could, then one may just find peace.

However, there are some relationships that are just awful, so of course it's a relief to be free of that. But even lack of grief can foster guilt in some. It's complicated.

The point is: Not everyone is grieving when a certain person or family member dies. What does one do when flowers and sympathy cards arrive, and one is not grieving? Well, I'm not sure. And there may be many mixed feelings. However, I do know that understanding this phenomenon could be helpful in itself.

We can be more supportive if we are aware of the many complex situations after a death.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.