Regional expressions we learned as children can be soothing

By Susan Anderson-Khleif

Daily Herald Correspondent

Because I'm one of many who cope with long-term grief, I am always looking for ideas on how to manage it and feel better. Well, I came across another way just recently.

I remembered how we talked in Minnesota when I was a kid. Not a different language, but English, of course. Most of the Minnesota Swedes, Norwegians, Finnish people, Germans and Irish had long ago abandoned their grandparents' first language - for English. And they adopted "Minnesotan."

I'm talking about regional accents and speech patterns and mannerisms. When I got to thinking about this, I remembered there are some people who have written about "talking Minnesotan." So I Googled the topic and found a wonderful book on that very topic and ordered it.

"How to Talk Minnesotan" by Howard Mohr is a riot - so funny! I remember so clearly how people spoke: the vocabulary, how they treated various topics and managed conversations. This ranged from easy small talk to normal everyday chat to difficult or uncomfortable subjects. The latter two to be avoided!

It was strangely comforting. I think going back to childhood roots can help us. Not regression, but remembering. Regional speech patterns can be remembered just as tastes, smells or other sensations.

There are some particular habits in Minnesota that must be learned if you come from elsewhere and want to fit in. Here are some choice examples, illustrated in this great book:

For instance, Minnesotans try to be agreeable and avoid arguments. (Unless you make the mistake of talking about politics or religion - both to be avoided.) And when a Minnesotan disagrees with what is said, the usual response is "That's different."

End of conversation.

Also verbal responses to anything are usually short. Spoken but shorter than a tweet or a text.

There are standard and short conversations about many topics - weather, cars, food, family, health - you name it. And people tend to talk in "not negative" phrases rather than positive compliments. So instead of "very good," or "excellent" they are much more likely to say "Not bad at all" or "Could be worse." Or, if they agree, a simple "You got that right." Basically, it's all very low key. Periods of silence in a conversation are perfectly acceptable.

My brother, Nic, spoke Minnesotan all his life. After college he came back to Minnesota, built his teaching career there in the pretty resort town of Breezy Point, not far north of our hometown. His dear Oklahoma-born wife soon picked up the local Minnesota language!

Of course, I know there are also regional speech patterns in the South, including the southern "accent" and a certain way of talking and making small talk. And so it is in New England and New York City, of course. I hear there is a special accent in Pennsylvania, and in certain cities such as Philadelphia. And certainly in the Plain states and Western states.

Even though many of us have cleaned up our English to sound like the six o'clock news, we remember.

My mother was raised in Oklahoma. She could go back to that Oklahoma accent anytime she wanted, especially when we went to visit her hometown, Blackwell. She had some Oklahoma phrases that survived after many decades living in Minnesota!

I think of these regional speech patterns as "linguistic comfort food." Of course these childhood regional patterns also extend to food habits. For instance, I usually bring out some food to friends who drop by. I thought it was a habit I picked up from my husband Baheej's Nazareth-style hospitality. But in remembering Minnesota habits, I realize it's also a Minnesota thing.

It's called "a little lunch." It has nothing to do with lunch, but rather a snack and coffee served anytime of day to guests between meals. "How about a little lunch?" This needs no answer. It's on its way. Even though the friend says, "Don't go to any bother," or "I couldn't," or "I already had lunch."

The point is: Regional ways of talking and conversing that stick with us may be comforting in grief.

It even extends to differences in pronunciation (or mispronunciation) of the same word. Sometimes this can be a problem; for instance, when one moves from the Midwest to the East Coast. When I first went East to go to graduate school, people used to ask me, "What country are you from?" So I developed a simple answer: I'd say, "I'm from Minnesota, that's the way we talk out there." Secretly, I thought perhaps I'd picked up some speech habits from my beloved Baheej. But then I realized it was just me talking Minnesotan!

So I've been reading my "Talking Minnesotan" book and feeling great. I am shocked how many speech mannerisms are still with me! Sometimes I catch myself and I think, oh my goodness I still talk like that.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.