Making peace with parenting mistakes
My daughter is 21 and living on her own, and my son just started kindergarten. Recently, we were all in the car together, and she witnessed a reaction to my son's behavior. Later, she asked if we could talk about it. She had concerns. As she talked, I grew defensive and even told her that she didn't get to have input on how I parent her brother.
She cried. I took a deep breath. Then, I told her how glad I was that she loves her brother so much she'd talk to me if she thought something was awry. Apparently, this particular incident had brought up memories for her of how I'd handled certain things poorly in her childhood. I listened. I cried.
"They'll understand when they're older."
Most parents have heard that line of comfort in one form or another. But the part no one tells you is that just because they may one day understand that you did the best you could, they still may never agree with your decisions, and they may still feel hurt by them. I know I've made parenting mistakes.
I look back on some of my parenting decisions and wince. Which, if I'm honest, is why I felt defensive when confronted.
Conversations with my daughter revealed that she feels some of my parenting choices have even caused her lasting damage. I love my children, but love doesn't make anyone perfect. I know my intentions, but I also know that I still don't agree with every choice my parents made for me.
My goal was to do better than my parents, but it turns out I'm not any better; I'm just different. Now that I'm older and have children of my own, I do understand more, but I'm also trying to understand it from both ends.
The next day, I picked up my daughter at her apartment so we could talk again. I cannot go back and change the past. I cannot fix the parenting mistakes I've made, but I can be honest about those mistakes and learn from them. Most importantly, I want to do my part to help her heal. She's in that stage of her life where she's figuring out who she is and what she stands for while transitioning to adult independence.
Mary Kay Fleming is a professor emerita of psychology at Mount St. Joseph University who specializes in human development and parenting. Fleming says that part of becoming an independent adult is taking "a hard look at what the starting points in life were." Young people will identify areas they perceive as vulnerabilities and label those hard times, realizing they don't get a do-over and neither do their parents. From there, Fleming says, "It becomes a matter of making peace with that - potentially a lengthy process - and finding empathy for the parent knowing they did the best they could with what they had and what they knew at the time."
My daughter's big request is that I not make the same mistakes with her little brother. That's a goal we share. Being open and understanding, knowing that my daughter's perspective is a valid and powerful learning opportunity, will help me do my best.
Though I'm fairly certain I'll make brand-new mistakes tailored especially to her little brother.
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