Therapy is a valuable parenting resource

The first time I went to therapy was after my mom died. I was 7 years old, and our family was in crisis. I went back to therapy as a teen when my exasperated dad didn't know what to do with me. At least that's how my teen brain absorbed it. It was one of the few times I saw my dad cry. "I just want you to be happy," he told me.

I acted out, rebelled and did poorly in school. When asked why, my response was probably something like, "I dunno." But I was tightly wound, weepy and stubborn. There was a lot going on inside, and I couldn't pinpoint it. In hindsight, therapy was probably one of the best things my dad ever did for me. I valued it so much that I have no issue reaching for professional help with my own children because I know sometimes they need more than my parenting can offer.

John Ackerman is a child clinical psychologist and the suicide prevention coordinator for the Center for Suicide Prevention and Research at Nationwide Children's Hospital. He says, "Evidence-based therapies can make a huge difference in a young person's life." He also stresses the importance of keeping the communication open between children and parents. "We want as parents to have regular conversations with kids about their mental health, what I might call emotional check-ins."

This open communication can help therapy feel like a resource as an extension of these conversations and not some sort of accusation that an adolescent can internalize as something being wrong with them. "If you set that foundation, it might be easier for them to come to you when things are challenging and when they are going through a crisis," says Ackerman. "Create opportunities to talk about how they're navigating conflicts and the things they care about."

I often feel like a kitchen bartender with my kids. I serve up drinks and snacks while listening to their stories. But I also know I've botched things a few times by trying to impart wisdom and offer solutions when, first and foremost, parents need to simply listen and validate. Keep the pontificating to a minimum. Solutions are best when kids can contribute and figure out for themselves what might work.

Ackerman believes every child should also have their own coping plan. This applies to young children as well as teens. He says, "We need to invest more in helping kids understand what their own vulnerabilities are so they can deal with them." This means helping a child understand what causes them stress, recognizing how it shows up in their body and in their mood, and helping them figure out what they can do about it. Ackerman also says a coping plan includes helping kids know how they can get support when they're in these difficult spaces.

Vulnerability requires courage, and parents should cultivate trust and create a safe space for their children to be vulnerable in both good and challenging times. Creating emotional equity in regular conversations that prioritizes mental health and normalizes talking about our feelings will help diffuse some of the shame that society has attached to psychological wellness.

"Mental health challenges, just like physical challenges, happen at different levels of severity," says Ackerman, "and when emotional issues interfere with our ability to really engage with friends, family and school activities, just like with those physical illnesses, there are professionals there to address those needs."

Caring for my kids' physical needs is usually pretty straightforward. However, worrying over the emotional well-being of my children keeps me up at night. Reaching out to a therapist for help means I don't have to go it alone, and neither does my child.

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