Be sensitive to the needs of those who mourn

"Sympathize with him and comfort him."

- Job 2:11 (NIV)

This past week was one of my most difficult. At 9 p.m., I received a call that my brother passed away unexpectedly. Two days later, I got the news my brother-in-law lost his battle with mesothelioma and left us as well.

When sharing my heartfelt losses with my good friend, who recently had three of her own, she said, "Watch out for the insensitive things people say to console you. I've heard some very odd remarks from well-meaning friends."

I have to say, I've heard only compassionate, kind remarks from others who themselves have hurt. But I think it may be time to brush up on how to give a condolence.

To make sure we are sensitive to the needs of others, I'd like to share some ways we can be helpful when someone is hurting from a loss.

These tips can also provide insight and comfort to us when we are hurting and someone says something that rubs us the wrong way. We can see they just lack understanding for how to comfort another. They either have their own issues dealing with loss and don't know how to relate to another in their grief, or don't realize their remarks come off as insensitive to those who mourn.

The greatest need a grieving person has is for someone to listen to their pain. Oftentimes, we can make the mistake of offering advice, saying things such as, "It will get better" or "you just have to move on." Another popular remark is "you've got to have faith."

Most of the time, the mourners know these things, but at the time of their loss, these aren't the consoling words that soothe the aching heart.

Say something more sensitive such as, "Anytime you want to talk, I'm available to listen; I'm sorry you're going through this; or I'm praying for you." Above and beyond saying anything at all is giving a big hug, pat on the back, or squeezing their hand. We don't have to talk to console. Sometimes just being present is all that is needed.

Many grieving friends have mentioned they appreciate when others continue to reach out weeks and months later. Initially, mourners are surrounded by family and friends, but after the funeral it can be a time of loneliness.

We can help others handle a loss by sending a card, taking time to call them, providing a meal or spending some time with them. These simple acts can provide emotional support and be a gift they will cherish forever.

• Annettee Budzban is a Christian author, speaker, life coach and nurse. She can be contacted at annetteebudzban@aol.com or calling (847) 543-8413.