Losing your adviser or confidant adds to the depth of grief

When a dear one dies, you may have not only lost a beloved partner, friend or parent, but also lost your best adviser, or best confidant — or both.

We are lucky if we have a good adviser, someone who is balanced, empathetic and can help you find the right solution to whatever challenge or crisis you are facing. Some people have this gift. My dear Baheej had that gift. He was a professor, a teacher, but he would have been a wonderful counselor.

I asked him about this but he said he could not do counseling for a profession because he absorbed all the pain and worry of the person with the problem. I understand that. However, he still advised and helped a lot of people: his students, nieces, nephews, friends, our children, me.

I still remember, very vividly, that after my dear Baheej died, one of our sons told me that an extra hurt, very hard for him, is that he can't call up his father for advice. He wants to talk to him and get his opinion, but can't.

This made a big impression on me because I also not only lost my beloved husband, a wonderful person and great mind, but I too lost my adviser. He always understood and knew how to help me, what to advise, how to suggest the best action. That is a hard reality to lose.

Then, a few years later, my brother, Nic, died, who was also a great adviser. In the last couple years of his life, I talked to him by phone every day or two to cheer him up from medical problems, and in the process he was always encouraging and gave me great advice when I asked him for it. We grew up together and I miss him for many reasons, including his balanced and sound advice.

Now my sister, Mary, gives me very good advice. She, too, has a clear and thoughtful perspective on situations. She sometimes reminds me “what Nic would say.” Mary is also very balanced and is very strong in spirit. I'm so lucky to have her as my sister.

Actually there are two dimensions to this: losing an adviser and losing a confidant. These are often related but not quite the same. The confidant has the additional quality of knowing you extremely well, and is completely trustworthy to keep private information to himself or herself.

A good adviser helps one achieve perspective and put feelings into manageable proportions. A confidant let's you talk freely and tell the truth about your feelings, without judgment or heavy-handed opinions. Both are so important and especially when you are facing a crisis, and certainly when trying to cope with grief. A listener is often what is needed most. It's all so confusing.

And there's yet another dimension to this. You may have lost the person who knows you best. That's a different, but related, topic. Once a friend said when she lost a beloved parent, she lost the one who knows her best. It's a great comfort being around a person who truly knows you that well. My dear husband knew me that well, and so did my brother, Nic. And sister Mary does. Each in a little different way, but they know me.

It is possible your best adviser and your confidant and the person who knows you best are the same person. Yet it could be three different people.

The point is: When a dear one dies, you may have lost a big part of your main support system, including your best adviser or confident. These each add a layer to the depth of grief. If you have also lost the person who knows you best, it's even harder.

It's a great comfort being around a person who knows and accepts you for the person you are; my friend told me the death of that person means losing part of your own personal history. She's right.

I think awareness of these dimensions of grief will help us understand our own feelings of grief, and also support others who are trying to manage grief for themselves.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.