Battle the feeling that everyone you care for has died

A while ago, a person very dear to me said: "Sometimes it feels as if everyone around me has died."

The only reply I could think of at the time was, "No, I'm still here. You and I are still here."

I imagine that this feeling of sadness is not that unusual. Most people, by their late 40s or 50s, have had many losses. Usually, first it is the grandparents, then parents, spouses, siblings, cousins, friends. By age 60, 70, 80, it can become quite difficult.

Part of the problem many face is that grief over each dear one doesn't go away - it piles on, it accumulates.

These days we have the added deaths from coronavirus with statistics being reported daily in the news. Many families are being directly affected, or are anxious and in fear of catching it on a day-to-day basis. Folks over age 65 keep getting reminded on TV that they are at risk, which is true.

My experience is that the sadness is more about losing family and friends than it is a fear of a person's own death. I personally do not fear death, probably because I believe in the spirit world. Also I try to enjoy life and hope to live to be real old.

So now we are in what should be one of the happiest and cheerful times of the year. Yet many of our beloved are not here to share the celebrations and special meals. Thus, many of us have a special challenge to enjoy the coming holidays.

As I may have mentioned before, I thought my dear Baheej would live to be real old. He had such a joyful and bright attitude and personality. I thought he'd be like Bertrand Russell who lived way into his 90s and was writing philosophy to the end. But Baheej didn't.

When an unexpected stroke, and then another, caused Baheej's death at age 80, part of my own light went out. My own father warned me about this because Baheej was older then I. And as many readers know, I've been trying to figure out how to cope with and manage grief ever since. Baheej's death, in addition to those of my grandparents, parents, siblings, friends and other relatives, weighs very heavily. I know I'm not alone in this. One aspect of getting older is many around you don't make it.

In a family portrait of my immediate Anderson side of the family (parents, siblings and their spouses, 10 of us), only three are left - my sister Mary, my sister-in-law Joni (who was married to my brother Nic) and me. This is probably an experience shared by many. I would not even want to make a list of friends and other relatives who've died in the last few years.

Well, these are not very cheery thoughts for the holiday season. Holidays have a way of dredging up these feelings. Thank goodness they also bring forth many nice memories. So this is where we need to go, into the realm of happy memories. It's all very complicated.

So the point is: I'm getting my defenses up. I've already started converting the house to Christmas colors and decorations. The tree is up and I'm soon decorating it. I have the patio lights and outside garlands in place, which helps light up the short days. I'm also wrapping packages and planning holiday menus, although only for myself!

Everyone around me has not died.

We must try our best to be grateful, fight sadness and embrace the holiday season. At least that's the approach I'm taking. That's what Baheej would expect of me. He is still helping me. He loved this December season. Maybe we will have a white Christmas this year. I hope so. Hope is good.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.