Grammar Moses: Keep calm and elide the 'L'

If you learned English from the nuns back in the day, odds are pretty good that you blanch at the speed with which definitions and spellings change.

Just think of how quickly pronunciations change. I'm not quite 58, and I find it difficult to keep up. Gnome sane?

(Translation: Do you know what I'm saying?)

Here's a little intergenerational disagreement I thought I'd share. It comes from Nancy LaBay:

"Our family has a continuing argument about the pronunciation of words like 'calm,' 'palm,' and 'almond.' I'm in the older generation of the family, and I was taught that the 'L' is silent. I couldn't believe it the first time that a younger member of our family corrected me while the rest of the younger members present, even my daughter, all heartily agreeing that the 'L' is always pronounced and that I was blatantly, horrifyingly wrong. Over the last few years, this dispute has arisen several times. Apparently, this holiday season, the debate was brought to the in-laws who fiercely sided with the younger generation in insisting that the 'L' must be pronounced and laughed at the idea that it could be silent."

Getting into family feuds is no fun, unless it's someone else's family. So here is my response:

Nancy, I'll tell you what my boss told me after my internship 37 years ago: "Invest in a dictionary."

It was the best free advice I've gotten, and I've been giving it ever since.

I consulted American Heritage and Webster's dictionaries in my collection for an American perspective and even an Oxford dictionary to see whether there would be an interesting twist from the old country.

All three dictionaries indicate the standard pronunciations (with no secondary pronunciations) of "calm" and "palm" do not have an "L" sound.

The same goes for "balm" and "psalm," if you were wondering.

So, you should feel comfortable in telling the youngsters and the in-laws to stop looking at you as if you were from a different solar system.

As for "almond," the American dictionaries give the primary pronunciation without an "L" sound, but they offer a secondary pronunciation with it. The Oxford English Dictionary doesn't even offer a secondary pronunciation with an "L" sound.

Before you celebrate too much and spend their inheritance on video slots at your favorite strip mall gambling parlor, consider that the dictionaries do give you a choice of pronouncing the "L" in "calmative." And "palmetto" does have an "L" sound.

People young and old would be reasonable in gazing at you quizzically if you tried to pronounce "helm," "realm" and "film" without an "L" sound.

If after you point to your family dictionary and show them the error in their ways they persist in looking at you strangely, you should throw the book at them.

Kids do the darnedest things

Devoted reader Anola Gill Stowick sent me a post she found on Nextdoor, which I consider to be Facebook's blooper reel:

"Newborn Photographer

Anyone have recommendations for a newborn photographer? Looking for an affordable option! Thanks in advance!"

It struck both Anola and me as odd why anyone would want to employ a newborn, especially for photography work. Their hands are tiny, they don't focus well - with their eyes or their minds - and they're not the best of communicators.

But they probably work cheaply. And they're pros at making the most curmudgeonly of us smile.

Write - and speak - carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.