Grammar Moses: Hold the homophone ... what did you say?

I was thinking of Abbott and Costello's "Who's on first?" bit the other day and this came to me:

Job interviewer: "So, you worked in a cheese factory? What did you do there and how long ago was this?"

Job candidate: "Weigh whey way back."

Interviewer: "OK, so it was a long time ago, but what did you do there?"

Job candidate: "I just told you. Weigh whey."

Interviewer: "You're not answering my question."

Job candidate: "Yes, I am."

Interviewer: "Let's try this a different way. Tell me why you no longer work at the cheese factory."

Job candidate: "Scale back."

Interviewer: "So, you were laid off because they didn't need as many workers?"

Job candidate: "No, they got their scale back. It was out for repairs. I was weighing the whey by comparing it to a 10-pound bag of flour."

OK, so the joke didn't end well, and it started with a series of homophones and ended with a homonym, but you have to give me some credit. Comedy is my second language.

Don't be so irradic

Facebook is a treasure trove of bad grammar. I police my own posts, because those of you who are Facebook friends would comment mercilessly on any mistakes.

I've discovered Nextdoor - the Neighborhood Watch of the social media world - is not immune to this, either.

To wit: "A friend had shared with me that her mother was driving and stated that there was a car with 3 young men who were driving irradically behind her ..."

The post went on at length about a serious matter - likely scammers trying to lure a woman to a dark street.

However, the word "irradically" leapt out at me.

It's not a word, and not a misspelling I've encountered before, but in a way I can understand how it came to be.

"Radically" I can understand. If someone is driving radically, you wouldn't want to be in that car or any car on that stretch of road.

But slap the -ir prefix on it - as in irresponsible, irrespective and irrational - and you get the opposite of "radically."

If three young men were driving responsibly near me, I probably would be a little shocked but also carefree.

Of course, the poster meant to use the word "erratically."

What's on your feet?

A Facebook friend posted a meme about how our parents got to school. It features a photo of someone climbing a snowy mountain peak.

One person commented that back then kids wore snow pants and goulashes so we could brave the elements.

This isn't quite a homophone, but it's an interesting misspelling nonetheless.

"Galoshes" are what my dad wore on his feet to protect his Allen Edmonds from sloppy weather. "Goulash" is what my mom made for dinner. I miss her goulash, come to think of it.

Wet, whet

I read on Monday two phrases that I'm sure people spell incorrectly.

To wet one's whistle is to quench one's thirst. I'm thinking of a nice lager.

To whet one's appetite is an altogether different thing. One hones one's blade on a whetstone; so whetting one's appetite is to sharpen it.

Now I'm thinking of adding a double cheeseburger to my beer order.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.