Grieving, widowhood complicates friendship

By Carolyn Hax

Q. Eight months ago, after a brief illness, my 57-year-old friend’s husband passed away. Their marriage had always been a bit rocky, and after his death we learned that he’d been involved in some questionable activities. Needless to say, her emotions ran the gamut from disbelief to anger to grief.

During this time, I was there for her to listen, and supported her decision to seek professional counseling.

But now I’m concerned she might be moving too quickly. In the past five months, she’s had cosmetic surgery, lost a lot of weight, traveled internationally and moved into a new home. My friend is an exceptionally bright woman, and far more capable than most. She tells me, “Life is short, and I’ve decided to be happy.” She’s excited about potential summer romances with men she’s meeting online. Our conversations are now 95 percent about her and how much fun she’s having. She shows little genuine interest in my life. While I’m glad she’s not miserable, our time together has become intolerable! Her self-absorption and lack of insight into how others might react to so many radical changes so quickly is perplexing. Is it possible to power through so many life changes so quickly without collateral damage? And how can I handle my discomfort in spending time with her?

A. She had her disbelief, anger, grief and counseling. Now, she’s having a party. Until you see some sign that she’s in trouble or you’re invited to comment, your place is on the sideline.

Full disclosure: Her “lack of insight into how others might react to so many radical changes so quickly” is a quality I wish I could patent and sell. It’s her body, passport, address and life.

When “she shows little genuine interest” in your life, on the other hand, that’s about the way she’s conducting her end of your friendship, and that is your business.

So the answer to your second question, is to treat it as separate from her merry widowhood. Tell her of your frustration without editorializing on her boob job. It might not accomplish much besides getting her defensive on the correct topic, but, in general, an uncluttered message is a more effective one. It’s about the friendship, it’s about the friendship, it’s about the friendship: a mantra to keep you on track.

Q. My niece recently graduated from college. I am not close to her mother (my sister), but thought I had a good relationship with my niece. We did not receive a graduation announcement and were not invited to any of the graduation festivities. I knew about them because we are Facebook friends.

I am happy for her and very proud of her accomplishments. I bought a card for her, and my husband feels we should send her a gift. What do you think?

A. It sounds as if you and your sister are flirting with estrangement. That points to sending a gift, resisting the urge to take it personally, and continuing to hold up your end of a relationship with your niece.

It’s always tempting to read milestone events as statements on your value. However, these aren’t just one-time events that fail the test of statistical relevance; they’re also emotional, often chaotic, and typically orchestrated by people who are preoccupied by a major change in their lives.

And so the biggest contribution loved ones can make is to act as agents of the long view, seers of the forest, keepers of heads, sayers of “Yay!” — without regard for the score.

Ÿ Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.