Revisionist 'Snow White' a miscast, Brothers Grimmer fairy tale
Rupert Sanders' revisionist fairy tale "Snow White and the Huntsman" may be a triumph of set design and special effects, but it lacks a key quality it needs to be a good movie: a sense of fun.
Yeah, fun. You know? The thing that's been stuffed into every frame of "Marvel's The Avengers" and every other scene in "Men in Black 3"?
Sanders' "Snow White" is a dour and downer tale of troubled characters oozing angst and anger up until a flatlined, tentative ending that doesn't even feel like a proper ending. This makes "Mirror Mirror" seem like Shakespeare.
In one scene where Kristen Stewart's Snow White gets a glorious crown placed upon her head, she responds by looking as if she's been gripped by a sudden case of constipation. She's pained, not triumphant as the victorious moment calls for.
Which brings me to the biggest error in "Snow White." That would be Snow White.
Whoever imagined that Stewart - who plays mopey goth Bella Swan in the insipid "Twilight" tales - would make an ideal Snow White was clearly thinking about audience demographics, not finding the right actress to fit the character.
In "Snow White and the Huntsman," the titular character is set up to be a beautiful, charismatic threat to the Evil Queen and her dark rule.
In an early sequence, the Huntsman ("Thor" star Chris Hemsworth, letting fly with a boisterous, blended brogue) and Snow cross a bridge guarded by a malevolent troll. Their lives are spared after the troll gazes upon Snow White, who apparently mesmerizes the troll into a stupor.
How, exactly?
Stewart's eyes may be large and green, but they're sparkless, lifeless orbs. The batteries died on these ornaments a long time ago. Her face is a blank check on an empty bank account.
I realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but Charlize Theron's Evil Queen mops the floor with Stewart whenever the two share a scene.
Theron doesn't chew the scenery in this action fantasy; she puts it through a wood chipper.
She and Stewart both struggle to maintain their British accents, especially through shouts and excitement.
Yet, when Theron is on camera, she commands its attention.
When Stewart is on camera, she wants it to hang out with her.
"Snow White and the Huntsman," written by Evan Daugherty, drags along through its set up: the beautiful Ravenna (Theron) puts a knife through the heart of the king on their wedding night and takes over the kingdom with her evil Albino brother Finn (Sam Spruell).
When she's not sucking the life force out of young girls to maintain her youth, the Queen becomes really miffed that people ooh and aah over her little stepdaughter Snow in public.
When Snow grows up to be just like Bella Swan, the magic mirror on the wall - now a faceless, human-shaped golden glob - advises the Queen to eat Snow White's heart to obtain eternal life.
But Snow escapes from the castle into the feared Dark Forest. Only the drunkard Huntsman has survived the Dark Forest, so the Queen commands him to locate Snow White and return her.
The Huntsman turns out to be a man obsessed with the memory of his dead wife, killed while he was on a business trip.
He allies himself with Snow just before they run into the Seven Dwarves, now mercenary thieves living in the forest. (Noted tough guy actors Bob Hoskins, Ian McShane, Ray Winstone, Brian Gleeson and others play the Dwarfs, downsized through special effects. Once the novelty wears off, so does their appeal.)
Director Sanders hails from the world of TV commercials where his 2005 commercial "Joy" launched the Xbox 360. Sadly, he fits the stereotype of the commercial maker who directs a feature movie and makes it look pretty, but has no idea how to bring realistic characters to life.
During the crucial scene in which Snow White rises from a poisoned-apple-induced death, you'd think there would be gasps of amazement, applause or wonderment from the Dwarves and the Huntsman.
Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Nobody reacts at all.
Kinda like how I responded to this movie.
“Snow White and the Huntsman”
★ ½
Starring: Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth
Directed by: Rupert Sanders
Other: A Universal Pictures release. Rated PG-13 for violence, sexual situations. 127 minutes