Quality time can ease sibling stress

When life gets busy sometimes it’s hard to figure out just how to balance the attention each of your children needs. When you have a child with special needs in your family, life is always busy and just by necessity that child may get more attention from mom and dad than other siblings. It can be a difficult thing for siblings to understand and certainly difficult to accept at any age. So what is a parent to do?

I recently came across a guide designed especially for parents offering some helpful tips. Though the guide is from the Autism Society, the tips are not specific to autism but rather provide some good insight for families dealing with just about any disability. Among the “12 Important Needs of Siblings and Tips to Address These Needs,” they focus on several key areas.

Ÿ Provide open, honest and ongoing communication. Giving age appropriate information about the disability and how it will affect the family is key. Children process information and emotions differently than adults. They often don’t know what questions to ask or understand the emotions that are being stirred up inside them. You will need to make them feel comfortable in what they understand to ultimately ease their anxiety and stress.

Ÿ Teach siblings how and when to interact with each other. At some point, the natural progression of the siblings becomes skewed. The typical sibling, especially a younger one, may be expected to take on more responsibility for their older sibling with the disability. As they grow together, your typical sibling may need some guides as to what the expectations are and how to co-exist. They will also need guidance on when it is alright to have private time and space.

Ÿ Help siblings work through their feelings. Just as a parent’s range of emotions can sway, so too can the siblings and oftentimes they just do not understand what they are feeling let alone why they feel that way. They love their sibling but also experience a whole host of other emotions at the same time. Many agencies have workshops specifically designed for siblings to help in these areas.

ŸGive siblings tools to deal with comments and questions from peers and the community. There are times in our lives that we are embarrassed by our parents and siblings but it can be especially hard for a child with a special needs sibling. Preparing them can help when confronted with comments or questions.

Ÿ Give consistent and individual attention. Juggling one-on-one time can be difficult with the best of situations. Typical siblings need to be able to count on quality time where they can enjoy a parent’s full attention.

I checked in with our parent network for their insight on how to support the typical child. The consensus was that you just have to make time for one-on-one bonding. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or time-consuming. It just has to be quality time.

Nancy Stolarz’s boys spent a lot of time together and learned early on that each boy would do special things with mom or dad without the other. Stolarz believes that contributed to them being secure in who they were and how their lives were structured. She always made time to take one of them to the grocery store, shopping, or just out for an ice cream alone. Even though her typical son is now almost 25 years old, she still enjoys doing something with just him. It gives both them an opportunity to stay connected and current on what is going on in his life.

When Joan Camper’s older boys started to complain, they too began setting aside special time. The boys each got to pick an activity on the weekend like going to the movies or the zoo. It was their day. Joan would get a sitter for Grant, the younger brother with autism, so the two older boys had the undivided attention of both parents. If Grant did go along, one parent would focus on him while the other parent could pay exclusive attention to the older two boys.

Now that her older boys are both in college, she finds that she’s the one who wants the one-on-one time. As she says, life really does come full circle.

There are an abundance of organizations that offer workshops, presentations, and written materials to help parents navigate their way through the unique issues associated with raising both typical and special needs children. The full version of the publication from the Autism Society is a good place to start and can be found at autism-society.org/living-with-autism/family-issues/sibling-perspectives.pdf.

Talking to other parents who share their insights can also be extremely beneficial. I invite you to share your thoughts on this topic as well as others at our new blog at wdsra.com. Parents are encouraged to speak directly to other parents, share thoughts, offer personal stories, and educate each other on topics that affect them in their everyday life.

Ÿ Sherry Manschot is the marketing/public relations manager at Western DuPage Special Recreation Association. She leads a parent network of special needs families at WDSRA. Manschot can be contacted at sherrym@wdsra.com. More information about WDSRA can be found at wdsra.com.