Direct communication is a parenting tool best used regularly
Recently I noticed something interesting about my Q-tips box.
On the back of the box are suggestions for various uses (complete with photo illustrations), such as applying ointments, cleaning the grout in your shower, and dusting your computer keyboard.
I think most people, however, use Q-tips to clean their ears (I don’t know anyone who uses them to clean the shower), and I thought it was odd that this common usage didn’t make the list. In fact, I didn’t even see the instructions for cleaning the ears, along with a warning to not insert the swab into the ear canal, until someone pointed it out to me. It’s right there, on the side of the box, in small print.
If most people use Q-tips to clean their ears, and doing so can be problematic, I wonder why this isn’t addressed in a more prominent place on the box? Why not communicate clearly instead of in an inconspicuous manner, which may go unnoticed?
The same question can be asked about some of the ways we communicate with one another. How often do we avoid talking to our kids about certain topics because we feel uncomfortable, awkward, or embarrassed? How often do we actually say the words, “I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m glad you’re my kid.” And how often do we skirt around the real issue with a spouse or family member, avoiding the elephant in the room? We may drop subtle hints, use nonverbal body language, or even use sarcasm to try to make a point, instead of directly saying what we think and feel. Sometimes these cues are received and understood, but more often they are like small letters on the side of a box — easy to miss.
Our culture caters to indirect, superficial communication. Many of the phone calls I receive do not involve a live person on the other end of the line. Many of our teenagers communicate largely through text messages, and even adults use social media sites like Facebook to indirectly confront another user. With the click of a button you can “unfriend” someone — you don’t even have to have a real conversation.
On a recent episode of Modern Family, Phil Dunphy inadvertently discovers his teenage daughter, Haley, is having sex. He so badly wants to talk to her, to say something fatherly, and is in distress throughout the episode, speaking in metaphors until finally he just gives her a hug.
Later he finds out that his wife, Claire, has known for months but didn’t think he could handle it, so she kept it from him. He responds, as usual, by giving her a hug. I think these kinds of situations call for real conversations, not metaphors. Clearly the conversations themselves will look different for all of us depending on our values and experiences; the important thing is to have the conversation, regardless of how difficult it may be.
Courage and conviction are needed to engage with our family members about the realities of their lives. Now when I reach for those Q-tips, I’m reminded to give genuine, direct communication a prominent place in my life.
Ÿ Becky Baudouin lives in the Northwest suburbs with her husband, Bernie, their three daughters and their puppy, Lila. She blogs regularly at beckyspen.blogspot.com.