Magical motherhood turns out to be a bit mythical
Last year for Father’s Day, I tackled some “Dad myths” in this column, so it seems right to address a few of my own “Mom myths” as well. Here goes …
Ÿ My child is a direct reflection on me. While it is true that our children pick up on our habits, positive and negative, and that they inherit certain traits from us, they are also individuals. I would suggest that it is only because we sometimes judge other moms based on their children’s behavior that we worry we will be judged in the same way. It would be nice to have buttons for our children to wear that say things like, “I know my clothes don’t match, but my mom picked her battle, and this wasn’t it.” Or, “Of course my mom taught me good manners — I just don’t feel like using them right now.”
ŸA mother’s love is pure, totally unselfish. I once heard a grandmother say this in a group setting, and many of the women seemed to agree. And while a mother’s love is like no other, and I am continually making sacrifices for my children, I don’t think I can honestly claim total selflessness considering I rode into Mommyville on a pony named Epidural.
ŸIf something goes wrong, it’s Mom’s fault. I have been blamed for bad weather, for bad hair days and for missing clothing. The other day one of my daughters told me the Prego sauce tasted different. “Did you do something different to it?” Then she waited, I’m guessing, for me to apologize or at least offer an explanation. A wise friend of mine, now a grandmother, shared how she handled this issue when her daughter was a teenager. She said, “You can continue to blame me for everything that goes wrong, just as long as you promise to give me credit for everything that goes right.” Her daughter stopped the blame game.
ŸIf we raise our kids right, then they will turn out right. Right? Clearly the impact we have on our children cannot be overestimated, and generally speaking, this myth is often true. But I don’t think any of us is given a guarantee. We do our best, give it our all, knowing our children will grow up and make their own decisions. This is probably the scariest, most difficult aspect of parenting. And every mother’s hope is that even when her children take some wrong turns, they will always find their way home.
ŸSuper-Moms do exist, and if I try hard enough I can be one of them. Like most moms, I want it all: a fulfilling family life, engaging friendships, a healthy lifestyle and a thriving career. But honestly, I got tired just writing that sentence. We all strive for balance, but I think it is an ongoing pursuit. Week by week. Day by day. Figuring out what to say no to so I can say yes to what matters more. Dropping one thing so I can pick up another. After 13 years of staying home full time with my children, I recently started working part time outside of our home. And while I love my new job, I feel more challenged than ever in this area. I cannot do it all, but I can be diligent to do my best at the few things I have committed to. For the moment, my scrapbooks remain unfinished, my house is not as clean as it used to be and my occasional ponytail has become my regular hairstyle.
ŸBeing a mom is the hardest job in the world. I certainly wouldn’t want to argue with Oprah, but I’m not sure about this one. I mean, being a mom is definitely not easy, but I haven’t had every job in the world, and there are some that just seem impossible to me. I wouldn’t want to switch places with a coal miner, an Alaskan crab fisherman, or a U.N. negotiator (although my experience as a mom would no doubt serve me well for this job.) Even on the hardest days, there is one thing I can think of that would be harder: to have never had the privilege of becoming Mom to my three daughters.
Ÿ Becky Baudouin lives in the Northwest suburbs with her husband, Bernie, their three daughters and their puppy, Lila. She blogs regularly at beckyspen.blogspot.com.