Tarnished 'Mirror, Mirror' shows a few cracks
"Mirror Mirror" works as a disappointingly mediocre retelling of the beloved Snow White story.
It's a Charmingless fairy tale that works very hard to put a fresh and vibrant spin on the classic fairy tale.
But under the passive direction of accomplished visualist Tarsem Singh (he gave us "The Cell" and "The Immortals"), "Mirror" struggles to push its scenes along with rapport-challenged characters, a forced sense of political correctness and inspired comic bits that morph into narrative speed bumps.
Early on, "Mirror Mirror" telegraphs that screenwriters Melissa Wallack and Jason Keller aren't quite in control of their material.
The Evil Queen (played by a torpid Julia Roberts) narrates the story's premise: that a great king's wife died while giving birth to a beautiful daughter named Snow White. Then the King (Sean Bean) disappears after marrying the current Queen.
The Evil Queen's exposition, intended to be comically snarky, comes off as dismissively petty, with her Royal Highness assuring us that this story is not about Snow White.
"This is my story!" she thunders.
Just when we're prepared for a farcical revisionist take on the Snow White tale (think of how "Wicked" retold "The Wizard of Oz" through the witch's perspective), "Mirror Mirror" instantly shifts to Snow White (a cute but edgeless Lily Collins) and the Evil Queen is no where around.
So much for it being her story.
As Snow constantly attempts to win over her evil stepmom, the dashingly handsome Prince Alcott (Armie Hammer) and his valet (Robert Emms) are traveling through the woods when they come under attack by seven bandits.
No regular bandits, but seven masked bandits with accordian-styled legs that enable them to shoot up and down and bounce all around in one of the movie's most inventive scenes.
Forget about being coal miners. These Seven Dwarfs (Butcher, Grimm, Half-Pint, Napoleon, Wolf, Chuckles and Grub) have become highwaymen after the Queen sucked the local economy dry with enormous taxes.
"Mirror Mirror" still follows some of the original Snow White story as immortalized by Walt Disney's 1937 animated classic feature.
Except that the huntsman has been replaced by Nathan Lane's Brighton, the Queen's inept servant who leads Her Highness to believe Snow has been removed, allowing the Queen to pursue the Prince as her sixth husband.
Singh's movies tend to be visually interesting, but dramatically inert, and that description reflects "Mirror Mirror" quite well.
Instead of merely talking to a magic mirror, the Queen goes through ridiculously elaborate ritual. She walks through a full-size mirror into a magical ocean, arises from the water completely dry, heads to a round building where she chats with a mirror's wrinkle-free face (played by a more torpid Roberts).
The laughs come in low and infrequently in "Mirror Mirror," which doesn't fully exploit its own clever setups. A comic bit in which Brighton turns into a cockroach feels forced and superfluous.
When the Queen accidentally gives the Prince a dose of Puppy Love potion, Alcott becomes a licking, panting best friend who the filmmakers aren't sure what to do with. (Nobody even utters the obvious joke, "Here, Prince!")
As Snow White, Collins (the daughter in "The Blind Side") radiates wholesome purity, but lacks the raw physicality required for Snow to convincingly evolve into a feisty fencer and fearless fighter.
A marketing official for Relativity Media said that female empowerment "is a big message we've been working to get across" with the Snow White character. Isn't she a little late to that party?
You'd think that the Evil Queen - after eliminating her husband and subjugating all the men in her court - would have already cornered the market on ultimate female empowerment.
"Mirror Mirror"
★ ★
Starring: Julia Roberts, Lily Collins, Armie Hammer, Nathan Lane
Directed by: Tarsem Singh
Other: A Relativity Media release. Rated PG. 102 minutes