'This Means War' a silly, shallow rom-com
Twentieth Century Fox bumped the romantic comedy "This Means War" from its original Valentine's Day release to today, and I can only assume that Fox executives didn't want to be held responsible for ruining millions of Tuesday night dates.
After all, nothing says "I love you" more than an idiotic film about two CIA agents using taxpayer resources to fight for the affections of an immature blonde keen to accept romantic advice from her only friend, an alcoholic mother of two.
"This Means War" opens with a CIA boss (has it come down to this, Oscar-nominee Angela Bassett?) reminding field agents FDR and Tuck ("Star Trek" star Chris Pine and "Warrior" star Tom Hardy) that they're on a "covert" mission at a plush Hong Kong penthouse party to kidnap a German villain named Heinrich (a stern-looking Til Schweiger).
You can practically count down the seconds before all heck breaks loose and the two agents kill everyone around while destroying the penthouse on their covert mission.
Heinrich escapes. But his beloved brother is killed.
Yep. <I>Now it's personal.
</I>Back at CIA headquarters, Bassett's boss barks at her bad boys, "You're grounded!" (Is Dr. Phil training CIA supervisors these days or what?)
Meanwhile, a cute product tester named Lauren (has it come down to this, Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon?) becomes miffed when her buddy Trish (Chelsea Handler) puts her up on a sleazy dating website.
The very British Tuck sees the ad, contacts Lauren and sets up a date.
Later, his best buddy FDR runs into a blonde hottie at a giant DVD retail store (with a zillion copies of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Lady Vanishes"? Really?) and chases after her until she agrees to a date.
<I>Oh, no!
</I>It's Lauren, who's already dating Tuck!
Early on, "This Means War" drops the I from the CIA, because there's little Intelligence to be found in this superficial and silly movie, directed by McG, the rock video maker who gave us the slight, amusing big-screen remake of the 1970s TV series "Charlie's Angels."
Working from a cliche-infested screenplay credited to three writers, McG presents "This Means War" as a cartoony concoction of comically competitive complications.
FDR and Tuck agree to be gentlemen about their interest in Lauren, but that vow dies the moment the agents tap the full technical powers of the CIA against each other in their bid for romantic conquest.
(One might wonder why FDR and Tuck both commit legal and ethical breaches with Lauren when each knows the other is recording everything he does back at CIA headquarters. As I said before, there is no "I" in this CIA.)
As Tuck and FDR escalate their merry war (a ruthless paintball game serves as the comic high point), there's never a sense that Lauren's true feelings matter to them. She's just the prize in a testosterone contest between two guys who let their lush lips and full hair do all the heavy performing.
Even the effervescent Witherspoon fails to elevate Lauren beyond an immature blonde who acts as if she's still in high-school romance mode.
Even more bewildering is Handler, a stand-up comic whose strange and twisted take on Trish turns her into a hormone-overloaded lush who utters, "That is awesome!" every time Lauren reveals what she did on a date.
"You're not going to hell," Trish tells Lauren, "but if you are, I'll be there to pick you up!" Good to know.
<I>Oops.</I> I almost forgot that the evil Heinrich comes back to avenge his brother's death.
This movie almost forgot about that, too.
“This Means War”
★
Starring: Tom Hardy, Reese Witherspoon, Chris Pine, Chelsea Handler
Directed by: McG
Other: A 20th Century Fox release. Rated PG-13 for language, sexual situations and violence. 96 minutes