Even Jonah Hill can't save 'The Sitter'
Noah admits he's not your regular supportive baby sitter.
He's more of a "sit on the couch and do what I say or I'll kill you" sort of baby sitter.
Noah, played by Jonah Hill, is the main character in "The Sitter," which is not your regular R-rated gross-out comedy.
It's more of your "sit in your seat and take some of the laziest dialogue and lamest stock characters ever created and force yourself to laugh" sort of comedy.
Even Hill's patented brand of interesting craziness fails to pump life into a screenplay riddled with moldy, clichéd dialogue frequently punctuated by utterances of either "cool" or "awesome."
"The Sitter" begins with what we think are the sounds of a young woman enjoying herself during sex.
Just when we think it's a joke, and the woman is probably getting a foot massage or something equally innocuous - surprise!
She really is enjoying sex with her alleged boyfriend Noah, who, as we discover, is not on the receiving end of it.
So Noah's girlfriend Marisa (Ari Graynor) becomes the selfish lover instead of the man for a change.
That's about as innovative as "The Sitter" gets before it spirals into a shallow, familiar story of desperate characters trying to survive a night of comic misfortunes in the big, bad city.
It's "Adventures in Babysitting" (a Chicago-set comedy shot in Toronto) mixed with "After Hours" (a New York-set black comedy actually shot in New York), but done badly.
Irresponsible schlub Noah reluctantly agrees to baby-sit three kids belonging to his mom's best friend, who's arranged a date for Mom with a hot doctor she knows.
Noah meets Slater (Max Records), a poor lad so psychologically dependent upon pills that he can barely function as a human being.
Slater's blingy little sister Blithe (Landry Bender) is an odd mix between Paris Hilton (everything is "hot!") and early Cyndi Lauper when it comes to her clothes and makeup.
Slater and Blithe have an adopted brother, Rodrigo (Kevin Hernandez), from El Salvador. He loves lighting fireworks in the house, setting off M-80s in toilets and urinating on floors.
While Noah constantly repeats the question "What is your deal?," the kids give him a run for his patience, especially Rodrigo when he starts smashing expensive household items.
Mercifully for Noah, Marisa calls him and asks him to buy her some drugs from a friend named Karl (Sam Rockwell) and bring them to her at a party.
<I>Zip!</I> Noah drags the three unwilling kids with him on a trip to buy some "candy" for his girlfriend, initiating a sequence of escalating complications that cause Karl to chase Noah and the kids all over New York City to retrieve $10,000 worth of drugs that Rodrigo accidentally took from Karl's bathroom.
"The Sitter" is directed by promising, serious indie filmmaker David Gordon Green, who directed the critically lauded "All the Real Girls" before directing the huge commercial comedy hit "The Pineapple Express."
Where "Pineapple Express" possessed smarts and a keen edge, "The Sitter" feels monotonously contrived and absurdly strained.
Why does ambitionless Noah mysteriously evolve into a responsible mentor who begins dispensing Dr. Phil insights and advice to his three wards?
Exactly what inspires the kids to change their troubled, self-absorbed ways and become wonderful human beings during the last minutes of the third act?
No one's abrupt personality makeover makes any sense here, except that the plot demands they happen.
"The Sitter" includes the obligatory flatulence jokes, crushed testicle sight-gags and recycled comic dialogue ("Trust me!," "That's what I'm talkin' about!") you'd expect in a lowest common denominator comedy.
You just don't expect David Gordon Green to be aiding and abetting one.
But then, he did direct "Your Highness," didn't he?
“The Sitter”
★ ½
Starring: Jonah Hill, Sam Rockwell, Max Records, Ari Graynor, Landry Bender, Kevin Hernandez
Directed by: David Gordon Green
Other: A 20th Century Fox release. Rated R for language, sexual situations, drug use. 81 minutes