Sandler's 'Jack and Jill' takes a fall

Leonardo DiCaprio and Adam Sandler are two major Hollywood stars who dress in drag for their movies this week.

DiCaprio is the funnier one in "J. Edgar."

In "Jack and Jill," Sandler plays both Jack, a nasty, abrasive L.A. commercial maker, and his twin sister Jill, an overweight, obnoxiously pushy bimbo with the IQ of a mascara brush.

The storyline is simple. Jack hates Jill, who comes to visit her brother for Thanksgiving. He constantly ridicules and insults her. She cries. Jack's bowling trophy of a wife (Katie Holmes) goes through the motions of patching things up.

Then Al Pacino - yes, Al "They suck me back in!" Pacino - falls for Jill at a Lakers game.

Jack needs Pacino to do a commercial for his client, Dunkin' Donuts, to push a new drink that rhymes with "chino."

So, Jack urges Jill to stay until he can figure out how to get Pacino to promote Dunkin' Donuts.

<I>Hmm.</I> Maybe Jack could dress up as Jill and persuade Pacino to do the commercial.

Wait! That would be stupid.

Wouldn't it?

Every time a movie by Sandler and Dennis Dugan - one of the least talented, laziest directors still working - comes out (they did "Grown Ups" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"), the Hollywood press reports that the star/director team once again "defies" the critics by producing another critically skewered hit comedy.

That's OK.

Critics just don't know how to appreciate flatulence jokes the way the public does. Sandler's movie is all hot air.

"Jack and Jill" opens with baby twins expelling gas bubbles into their bath water.

<I>Ha, ha, ha, ha!</I>

Later, the adult Jill and Jack attend a movie theater where they lift their right cheeks in tandem so they can release the crackin'.

<I>Hardee-har-har!</I>

There's more. After a Mexican food pig-out, Jill detonates so many skunk bombs in Jack's bathroom, the EPA declares it a hazard zone.

<I>Hardee-har-har-har-har!</I>

OK, I made that one up. Just the EPA part.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with a movie being anti-PC for laughs, but "Jack and Jill" is witless and cruel. It's not just anti-PC, it's pro-PU.

"Jack and Jill" pokes fun at stereotypes of Indians (not the American kind), Hispanics and Jews. It ridicules overweight people, old women with dental problems, mature men with misaligned eyeballs, and frequently tosses in throwaway sight gags showing kids abusing cockatoos, lobsters, hamsters and a host of other critters.

One of Sandler's signature comic bits is speaking in gibberish or using funny-sounding voices. Good thing Jill and Jack have their own babyish twin chit chat to fulfill that expectation.

"Jack and Jill" is a particularly mean-spirited comedy about a spiteful, self-centered brother and his pathetically needy, proudly stupid sister.

At no point do we witness any genuine meeting of their hearts, so the obligatory slide into a happy reconciliation comes off forced and fake.

The comedy's major attraction could be the parade of cameos from Johnny Depp, Regis Philbin, David Spade, Dana Carvey, Drew Carey and a zillion others.

And then there's Pacino's fearless dive into self-parody as a caricature of himself, a serious Shakespearean actor so smitten with Jill that he stops his play to take a call from her.

Pacino's climactic song-and-dance number promoting Dunkin' Donuts' drink borders on surrealistic horror.

It's so horrible that after seeing it, Pacino warns Jack in his best Michael Corleone voice, "Nobody sees this! Nobody!"

If only he'd told us that about "Jack and Jill."

“Jack and Jill”

★

Starring: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino

Directed by: Dennis Dugan

Other: A Columbia Pictures release. Rated PG. 93 minutes