Be supportive of wife moving out, and maybe she won’t want to

Q. My wife of a decade is leaning toward filing for divorce. I think our problems are easily surmountable, but she is less hopeful. Despite her skepticism, she believes reconciliation is possible. We’ve begun counseling, we’re communicating reasonably well, and we express love for each other.

For months my wife (a procrastinator) has said she wants to get separated, both for “space” to help with reconciliation and as a possible prelude to no-fault divorce. She’s finally getting her own place. I’m strongly opposed to her moving out because I think it will sabotage the progress we’ve made, but my efforts to persuade her to stay have failed.

Separation presents logistical challenges: packing, moving furniture, reallocating responsibility for household expenses. I see two extremes for my behavior during this time: (1) going out of my way to help with her move, or (2) doing nothing and making her bear all the consequences of her decision. Both choices are tempting. I know my approach should fall somewhere in between, but how do I decide where?

A. The easier you make her move, the harder it will be for her to leave. Counterintuitive but true.

From your description, she appears to be just over the fence, wanting to go but still tied in a few places to the idea of saving the marriage. She’s likely seeking a separation and “space” because that’s easier to ask for than a divorce, and so once she’s on her own, no matter what you do, she’ll cut ties without looking back. It’s a common arc.

But. If you’re at a point where your actions can still affect the outcome, then you’ll make the best case for yourself by packing, moving, amicable bill-splitting — in other words, showing your genuine (i.e., not contrived to keep her) willingness to do the exact opposite of what you want just because you recognize it’s what she needs. It’s neither begging her to stay nor hoping the door hits her butt as she leaves. It’s neither weak nor bitter. It’s strong and it’s right in between.

Q. Recently, a fabulous potential job situation came up where I would be making more in overtime, and would have a lot more perks and support, but I would be required to work 60-80 hour weeks for five months of the year.

While I think I could handle this, I worry about the effect on my marriage. I am already untidy and disorganized at home. I was recently diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (along with depression and anxiety) and sometimes it takes all my energy just to focus on work. This is a huge point of contention already in my marriage.

My husband has been encouraging me to pursue this job, so I asked him if he would be willing to do more around the house. Short answer: no. His solution is that we hire a housekeeper every two weeks with my extra money. I was really, really upset at this response. He accused me of wanting him to “suffer” if I had to. I think that if I have to give up my weekends and free time to help us get ahead, he could sacrifice some of his spare time, too. I don’t know what to do.

A. This is about laundry, not feelings. Hire the housekeeper and drop the me-pro-quo.

That is, if you want this “fabulous potential job situation” for your own reasons. If instead you’re just excited about the extra money and feeling resentful that your husband wants to spend (some of) it on housekeeping, then tell him that explicitly, factually, and without the dusting of personal pique: “Actually, I’d be taking this position for the money, and hiring help seems to defeat that purpose.”

That way, you prop the door open for him to state his version of the facts. Maybe: “Fair enough. But more housework will fall to me, after I’ve already taken on more — willingly — given your ADD, and I’m feeling maxed out.”

From two such statements of fact, you’d be able to decide, together, whether accepting the work upgrade would in fact “help us get ahead.” It is, after all, a subjective goal, one you can’t sensibly pursue unless your husband agrees it’s good for you both.

Granted, I’m suggesting all this while having time to think and miles of detachment, neither of which tend to feature prominently in verbal vivisections of nerve-hitting marital issues.

But you can approximate detachment by being mindful of your emotional reflexes and making a conscious effort to see things from the spousal point of view.

You’re already barely holding it together at home, asking more of your husband than a non-ADD spouse might be asking, and it’s “a huge point of contention already.” If nothing else, you have ample grounds not to take your husband’s housekeeper suggestion personally, but instead as a pragmatic take on a predictable surfeit of chores.

Ÿ Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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