Dad may bond with baby later than mom -- after a few interactions, or that first smile

Ariel Isenberg admits that he was so exhausted and concerned about his wife following the delivery of his daughter that there weren't any automatic goo-goo eye moments to speak of.

“My experience with the labor and delivery process was so stressful that I didn't immediately bond with my daughter. I was happy, but I didn't feel that same connection,” says Isenberg of the process that he thought would happen naturally. “That was very disconcerting for me. It took some talking with some other dads afterward, and that helped me to understand that I wasn't the only guy who felt that way. There wasn't something wrong with me.”

Whenever a new child enters the picture, we assume that families gel in an instant. Moms finally get to see what all of the internal thumping was about, and dads get to hold that new bundle of joy. But as joyous as welcoming a new life can be, it can also be awkward.

“At first, we didn't bond through the feeding experience because my wife breast-fed. But once (the baby) was old enough, there was eye contact and that's when the bond started to develop,” says Isenberg, a Naperville native. “When she held my finger, and looked at me, that bond started to connect. And, the first smile sort of just sealed the deal.”

Isenberg, an educator and stay-at-home dad, found commonalities with other dads as part of Daddyshome.org, a nationwide organizational resource for stay-at-home dads. “It's important that fathers realize that they don't have to feel bad if they don't have that immediate bond,” says Isenberg, now father of a daughter now 2½ and a 4-month-old son.

The introduction of a newborn oftentimes puts dads in a precarious case, says Dr. Garry Gardner, a pediatrician in Darien. “Some don't want to be involved,” he says, “and some don't know how to be involved or even feel that it's their place. I don't feel that dads always know how important they are from the very beginning.”

This is one reason Gardner encourages dads participate in their newborn's checkup visits. “I enjoy when dads come in; it's a positive support assignment,” says Gardner, who uses the visits to assure both parents that they are doing things well and should get to know their child better.

“Dads shouldn't be afraid to hold the baby — but they are,” he says, adding, “The most gratifying thing they can do is get closer and talk to their baby. Babies respond to sound, the rhythm of voices and they learn the differences in sounds.”

The rewards of such interactions, he says, are invaluable. “Babies stare right back at you. It's really riveting,” Gardner says. “Get really close to the baby's face, when the baby is awake, not crying and not hungry. You will find that they are so curious, nosy and are taking everything in. It's really bonding.”

While newborns are fragile, Gardner assures new parents that they won't break. “You don't have to be so gentle,” he says. “Support the trunk and the head, but short of someone shaking the baby, I'm not worried about hurting the baby.”

And it's OK, he says, that moms and dads interact differently with the little one.

Gardner reminds couples to support each other in their new (or recurring) roles as parents. “Dads really need to support the moms, and moms should encourage dads to be involved from the very beginning,” he says. “Having a new baby is a very stressful time in parents' lives and marriage.”

Cindy Hartwig, director of women's and children's services at Northwest Community Hospital (NCH), agrees. “Developing the relationship with this new person is something for Mom, Dad, and siblings,” she says.

NCH delivers more than 3,000 babies annually and offers classes for moms, siblings and dads. The men-only Dad's Class explores everything from diaper changing and baby burping techniques to the proper way to hold a small child. Classes are held every other month and cost $25 for one-time sessions. (For information, call (847) 618-4YOU or log onto nch.org.)

Hartwig urges dads to “be as involved as you want to be, speak up, be supportive and be a part,” she says. To moms, Hartwig says lighten up.

“Women have to know that dads may put the diaper on a little bit funny, but let it go,” she says. “It doesn't have to be perfect.”