Mom’s point of view: Listening to understand, rather than respond
By Becky Baudouin
Becoming better listeners has been a theme in our home over the last several months. Maybe it’s because we have four girls in our family, or maybe it makes no difference, but we’ve noticed that it’s natural to want to talk more than we listen. Take dinner time for example: often, we like to share our “highs and lows.” We borrowed this idea from a movie, and it’s a fun way for each person to have a chance to share something great and something not-so-great about his or her day. The only snag we have encountered is that taking turns can be a challenge. Even if the person next in line is able to not interrupt and wait her turn, it’s evident to my husband and me that rather than really listening to each other, the girls are thinking ahead to what they want to share about their day. Sometimes just making it all the way around the table feels more like officiating a sporting event than enjoying relaxing dinner conversation.
In an effort to help our daughters improve their listening skills, we’ve explained the concepts of listening to respond vs. listening to understand. (Again, we didn’t come up with these ideas ourselves; we borrowed them from someone else.)
When we listen to respond, we are mentally piecing together our response while the other person is still talking. We are just waiting for the speaker to finish so we can begin. Sometimes we may interpret a pause (for the purpose of formulating the next thought or taking a much needed breath) as an indicator that the person has finished speaking — hence the next person’s turn. When that happens, the referee needs to call a foul, due to the infraction of interrupting. When, however, we listen to understand, we hang with the speaker long enough to ask a clarifying question, or identify with something they said. The goal is to understand and validate what the speaker has shared. The result is deeper connection.
We’ve been practicing this by adding an extra component to our “high/low” tradition. Now, before the next person begins to talk about her day, she either asks a question or says something that validates what her sister has shared. “How did you feel when that happened?” or “What was it about that experience that made it your high?” invites the speaker to share more about what they she experienced. Saying things like, “That sounds like it was pretty disappointing. I’m sorry things didn’t go as you had hoped” or “I’m so happy that you have such great friends to play with at recess” communicates that we care about each other. Sometimes sharing and listening in this way opens up our understanding of what a family member is going through and it can take the conversation to a deeper level.
Good communication skills don’t come easily, and I know that as parents, my husband and I need to teach our kids both in practical ways and by example. As I have tried to help my daughters develop better communication skills, I have felt challenged. I’ve asked myself honestly, “How well am I listening? How often am I interrupting? Am I listening to respond or to understand?” Often I am distracted when my kids are trying to tell me something, and I know that they can tell whether I am dialed in or not. I am trying to stop what I am doing, look at them and listen, or say something like, “You know what, I’m having a hard time really listening well, and I do want to hear you, so let me just finish what I’m working on and then you can have my undivided attention.” Together, as a family, we are trying to communicate in ways that say, “You matter to me. I truly care about you. I value what you have to say and I want to be connected.”
ŸBecky Baudouin blogs regularly at beckyspen.blogspot.com. She and her husband, Bernie, have three daughters.