New exercise routine a ball of trouble

Meet my nemesis. It looks innocent enough, but trust me it's trouble.

What, you may ask, is so intimidating about a cushy half-round of a blue ball perched on a solid platform? Not much, at least until it came into contact with me.

My trainer, Tony, is the master of creativity when it comes to unique ways to inflict torture. Honestly, when he pulled out the balance ball trainer, I thought he was giving me a break. Step up and down off the ball a few dozen times ... how hard is that? Heck, maybe even add a little bounce to my step.

Have I learned nothing in all these early-morning workouts? Apparently not.

Of course, Tony's plan had a diabolic twist. Instead of an easy forward and back, up and down off the ball, he wants a lateral step. I'm supposed to stand on the ball, extend my right leg off the ball to the floor, bring it back to the ball and repeat with my left leg in quick repetitive steps. When Tony demonstrates, he has the bounce in his step that I imagined, just moments before, I would have. Leave it to Tony to throw a monkey wrench in my illusion of coordination.

The fact is I don't have a lot of practice moving laterally. I can't think of a single time in my life that I walked sideways on purpose. Well, except to squeeze down a row of seats in a crowded movie theater while balancing buttered popcorn and a large soft drink. But there's a reward at the end of that sideways move. The aforementioned buttered popcorn. Did I mention butter? Lots of it. Oops! I got distracted for a second.

Turns out that graceful, bouncy back-and-forth demonstration Tony modeled can't be duplicated by a mere human. At least not one like me with very weak core muscles.

I tried, really, I did. Every time Tony shows me an exercise, I'm convinced I can mimic it exactly. Problem is, my brain and my body don't communicate. In my head, I've totally got it. Then I look down and my legs are not doing what my head thinks they're doing. In this particular exercise, I didn't go lateral even once. Maybe a lateral with a curve, but definitely not a straight lateral. The problem is I've spent years compensating for underdeveloped core muscles, not to mention all my other weak muscles. The result is less than graceful. And trying really hard just makes it worse.

Life in this uncoordinated body can be embarrassing, but in this case, it was just funny. Tony is typically very reserved, but even he was struggling not to laugh. He hid it well, but I know he was chuckling. He tried to save me with sound advice, “focus, tighten your core, slow down.” When I follow his suggestions, I really can do most of the things he asks. Eventually I may even get good at it.

For now, Tony and I both agree, “Dancing With the Stars” is probably not in my future.

• Gerry Alger, editor of the Daily Herald's Niche Publications, has been sitting at a desk for 25 years.

Status report

Current weight: 172 pounds

Weight lost this week: 2 pounds

Total weight loss: 16 pounds, 8.5 percent