'Season' worst movie of 2011 — so far
The first thing I learned from watching Dominic Sena's “Season of the Witch” is that everyone who lived during the 14th century had perfect teeth.
The second thing I learned is that no matter how close people in the 14th century were, their accents were like fingerprints: no two are exactly alike.
The third thing I learned is that the Black Plague that swept through Europe wasn't caused by germs, but by the Black Witch, who cast a spell over the land.
It is this Black Witch who two knights must transport to a remote, faraway monastery so the words from the hallowed Book of Solomon can be read to her so the plague can be lifted from the land.
This could have been the plot of a fairly thrilling supernatural medieval adventure, especially with those legions of obviously digitalized soldiers, plus those demon-possessed monks crawling all over the monastery ceiling.
But the Ohio-born Sena directs “Season of the Witch” with the same stale lack of flair he demonstrated in his 2009 anemic blizzard chiller “Whiteout.”
That flairless style, coupled with Bragi F. Schut's laughably cornball dialogue (“There is no hope here,” a knight intones, “only plague!”), easily marks “Season of the Witch” as the worst movie of 2011. So far.
Nicolas Cage, conjuring up a dialect that's barely human, let alone British, American or Klingon, plays Behmen, a knight who, along with his best friend knight Felson (Ron Perlman) spends 12 years chopping, lopping, smashing and bashing thousands of God's enemies during the Crusades.
“Did you ever think,” he says to Felson, “that God has too many enemies?”
They desert the army, then get captured by the Church after they tire of using their broadswords to deflect a zillion arrows shot at them from 10 feet away.
“Fine!” Behmen shouts, and he puts down his sword.
Behmen and Felson are given a choice: rot in prison or help a priest named Debelzaq (Stephen Campbell Moore) transport the suspected Black Witch (Claire Foy) to the aforementioned monastery for the aforementioned plague-lifting reading.
So, with Black secured in jail cell on wheels, the trio departs, along with a larcenous scout named Hagamar (Stephen Graham), a guy named Eckhart (Ulrich Thomsen), and a young altar boy named Kay (Robert Sheehan), but it rhymes with “guy.”
From the get-go, “Season of the Witch” undermines its own sense of mystery.
Is the young woman in the portable hoosegow really the Black Witch? Instead of keeping us guessing and building up suspense, Sena instantly lets us know she's the mag hag by giving her super strength and weird-looking eyes.
Yet, Behmen still thinks she could just be an innocent caught up in the Church's frantic race to stop the plague.
Along the way to the monastery, demon wolves attack the group, but inexplicably stop their assault after claiming one measly victim. (What? Did the wolves have a bag limit of one human per scene?)
Nothing prepares the intrepid travelers for what they find at the monastery: a fierce winged demon that looks like a title character from “Gremlins” overdosed on hormones.
Cage practically sleepwalks through his role as the good knight. The uncharacteristically lethargic Perlman makes one of the worst comic relief sidekicks in movie history.
“As dungeons go,” he says to Behmen in a church holding cell, “this isn't so bad!”
As supernatural medieval action movies go, “Season of the Witch” so is.
“Season of the Witch”
★ ½
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Claire Foy, Stephen Campbell Moore, Stephen Graham
Directed by: Dominic Sena
Other: A Relativity release. Rated PG-13 for violence. 95 minutes.