What the 'Hex'? 'Jonah' cursed with being plain awful
I know it's only June, but it's never too soon to start taking bets on the worst movie of 2010.
Which brings us directly to the leading contender so far, Jimmy Hayward's jaw-droppingly bad, abysmally assembled supernatural western based on the DC Comics tale of a mutilated bounty hunter who can talk to dead people by touching them.
"Jonah Hex" clocks in at a breakneck 81 minutes, and I can only conclude that Hayward's overactive editors went crazy with the editing software and lopped off all the parts that actually made sense, then deleted all of the graphic violence to qualify the film for a family-friendlier PG-13 rating.
That might explain why every time someone dies from a hatchet strike or a bullet, the camera cuts away and lets the shoddy sound effects carry the suggestion of violence.
"Jonah Hex" is so devoid of character development, functional plot and sense of style that not even Megan Fox about to pop out of her corset can make anyone care about what happens next -- except seeing two words, "The End."
Josh Brolin stars as Hex, who used to be a good soldier in the Civil War until he refused to carry out an order to burn down a hospital -- with people still inside.
His crazed, anti-government commanding officer, Quentin Turnbull (played with a bizarre, vaguely villainous patois by Steppenwolf Theatre vet John Malkovich - oh, how the mighty have stumbled!), exacts revenge against Hex by burning his cheek off. This, after forcing Hex to witness his wife and child be tastefully burned alive. (We see nothing. Shrieks suggest their deaths.)
Turnbull plans to destroy the U.S. government and kill President U.S. Grant (Chicago's own Aidan Quinn, uttering "America needs a sheriff!" in what must be his most embarrassing film performance. Oh, how the mighty have stumbled again!)
Turnbull plans to use a new weapon of mass destruction designed by Eli Whitney, apparently after the high of inventing the cotton gin wore off. Eli whips up an early form of the A-bomb, delivered by a really big revolver that fires giant cannon balls.
Turnbull follows those by firing a yellow glowing ball that detonates all the giant cannon balls simultaneously, forming a really big bang.
If you don't know these are yellow balls, one of the henchmen sees them and announces, "Yellow balls!"
If you don't know the man with the mutilated cheek is Jonah Hex, don't worry. When other characters run into Hex, they say, "Jonah Hex!" I guess because they don't want you to confuse him with Fox's hot-to-trot prostitute, Lilah.
The abject awfulness of "Jonah Hex" is a puzzler, considering that its director hails from the Pixar School of Narrative Excellence.
You'd think a guy who worked as an animator on "Finding Nemo" plus the first two "Toy Story" films (and directed Jim Carrey in "Horton Hears a Who") would be able to create realistic-looking crows to fly around the screen.
Nope. They look as fake as Fox's ... uh, eyelashes.
Chicago actor Michael Shannon pops up in a brief role as Williams, a Union soldier in cahoots with Turnbull.
"I don't want to be hanged for treason!" Williams says. So, Turnbull makes sure by putting a bullet in his head. Tastefully, off-screen, of course.
Oh, how the mighty have ... well, you know.
"Jonah Hex"Rating: #189; starStarring: Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox, Aidan QuinnDirected by: Jimmy HaywardOther: A Warner Bros. release. Rated PG-13 for language, violence. 81 minutes.