Hey filmmakers: Don't rehash classics, trash

Dann: I have to say, Raymond, I'm dreading Michael Bay's announced remake of Roman Polanski's 1968 horror tale "Rosemary's Baby." The idea of watching Satan's spawn morph into a Mini-Cooper drives me nuts.

Raymond: It's heresy! Memo to Hollywood: Stop remaking movies that are already classics! If they can't come up with something original, they should take a bad flick and make it better.

Dann: Patrick Lussier did that last year when he remade the sleazy '81 slasher film "My Bloody Valentine" as "My Bloody Valentine 3-D." He loaded it up with sensational 3-D effects, a cast that could actually act and lots of gratuitous nudity. Does that count?

Raymond: Barely, because it was still "My Bloody Valentine." I prefer remakes that have actually been worthwhile, like Alfred Hitchcock's remake of his own film, "The Man Who Knew Too Much." And "The Departed," Martin Scorsese's Oscar-winning remake of the Hong Kong police drama "Infernal Affairs."

Dann: I was particularly impressed with Zack Snyder's remake of the zombie classic "Dawn of the Dead." I must admit, I'm intrigued by the announced remake of 1966's "Fantastic Voyage." With digital effects and a better script, that could be good.

Raymond: Yeah, but they can't replace Raquel Welch. Talk about visual effects! How about doing a big budget all-star remake of Ed Wood's "Plan 9 from Outer Space"? Do it with state-of-the-art effects and this time intentionally make it a comedy!

Dann: You scare me sometimes, Raymond. Only one movie should never be remade besides "Citizen Kane," and that's "Plan 9." Cult awfulness can never be improved upon.

Raymond: You are absolutely no fun, Dann.

Dann: Let's face it, Raymond. Hollywood's fascination with remakes, and sequels for that matter, is all about generating "risk-adverse" cinema. Not about creating great cinema or even good cinema. Studios want to turn out movies that already have established brand names or are perceived to be projects with built-in audiences.

Raymond: Being the art house nut that I am, I usually hate it when Hollywood remakes great foreign flicks, like Jean-Luc Godard's "Breathless" remade with Richard Gere, or those creepy Japanese horror films. Although I think "The Ring" is better than the original Japanese "Ringu." Quick! Name two Japanese classics that actually became good quality remakes.

Dann: That would be Akira Kurosawa's "Seven Samurai" and "Yojimbo." The former translated into "The Magnificent Seven" with Yul Brynner. The latter became "A Fistful of Dollars" with Clint Eastwood. Do I win a prize, Raymond?

Raymond: Maybe a free pass to the announced reboot of "Spider-Man." Except, why are they doing this? Didn't Sam Raimi's excellent 2002 version corner the market on the Spider-Man origin story? How could they possibly do something better?

Dann: Sony Pictures wants to recast younger actors in a proven market commodity. It's all about minimizing risk, just like this year's bad remakes of "Clash of the Titans" and "Nightmare on Elm Street."

Raymond: And look at this summer schedule. We're getting remakes of "The Karate Kid," "Piranha" and "The Sorcerer's Apprentice," if you count an animated segment from Walt Disney's "Fantasia."

Dann: I do. There are even more remakes if you count films made from hit TV shows, such as "The A-Team," "Sex and the City 2," "MacGruber" and "The Last Airbender." There are even reports of relaunching "Gilligan's Island" as a movie with, get this, Michael Cera as Gilligan! Is nothing sacred?

Raymond: Thank goodness no one's rushing to remake Ingmar Bergman's "Cries and Whispers"!

Dann: Not this week.

• Daily Herald film critic Dann Gire and film historian Raymond Benson are the creators of Dann & Raymond's Movie Club, a two-hour live program of movie trivia, facts and fun. You can catch them at the Arlington Heights Memorial Library Tuesday, July 15, for "Attack of the Zombie Movies: Why the Dead Spread Dread." On Monday, July 21, "Saddle Up and Pass the Beans" will examine the history of the all-American western, and its Italian knock-offs, at the Vernon Area Public Library in Lincolnshire.