Old dog 'Marmaduke' needs a few new tricks

"Wait for it," the Great Dane tells us. "Wait - for - it!"

Then he passes doggy gas on his human owners, who cough and choke on his bodily discharge.

"Marmaduke" begins this way, and ends the same way with the Great Dane letting his wind rip on his hapless humans again.

"It never gets old!" the dog chuckles.

Sorry, Marmaduke, but it was even old back when Shrek did it in the mud puddle.

"Marmaduke" is the kind of family entertainment that gives family entertainment a bad name.

Its dumbed-down script, woefully shallow story, ridiculous action sequences and cheap bathroom humor might be diverting for extremely young children, but why would most parents want to expose their kids to a movie written way beneath their level?

Marmaduke, of course, is the beloved giant canine from the popular comic strip. In this movie, Owen Wilson provides the dog with his affable, cornpone personality, forced not only to incessantly narrate every detail of the film's opening scenes, but to deliver moldy, obvious jokes such as "I'm all ears. Literally!"

Apparently, there's not enough trouble for a dog to get into while living in Kansas, so the screenplay moves Marmaduke's family, the Winslows, to Los Angeles where Phil the dad (Lee Pace) gets a job with the Bark organic food company run by William H. Macy, who can barely utter his pandering dialogue without wincing with embarrassment.

Phil doesn't listen to what his wife Debbie (Judy Greer) wants. Or what his teen son Brian (Finley Jacobsen) wants. Or what his cute little daughter Sarah (the tag-team of Mandy and Milana Haines) wants.

We know this because they keep saying it, first to us, then to Dad. Then Dad says it to them. And apologizes for not listening to them.

It's like watching a Dr. Phil show with guests who suffer from memory loss every 45 seconds.

"Do you all have rabies-induced insanity?" Bosco the bad dog barks.

No such luck.

Bosco, who speaks with the unmistakable voice of Jack Bauer himself, Kiefer Sutherland, is the bad bully doggy that rules over the elite group of purebreds in the local park.

His main squeeze is the collie Jezebel (Fergie) that attracts Marmaduke's ardent attentions, even though it's obvious that another fair lassie named Mazie (Emma Stone) is a much better match for the Great Dane.

There might be some parents who think I'm being too hard on "Marmaduke." After all, it's just a kids' movie. Does it really have to be well-written and wonderfully directed?

Yes. It does.

Compare the sketchy characters and cheap, unearned emotions of this movie with the same talking-animal technology from the wonderfully constructed Australian family film "Babe" and its sequel "Babe: Pig in the City."

Kids deserve thoughtful, intelligent movies like those. Not films that feature big dogs telling us to "Wait - for - it!"

"Marmaduke"

Rating: ★ ½

Starring: Owen Wilson, Emma Stone, George Lopez, Sam Elliott, Judy Greer, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Kiefer Sutherland

Directed by: Tom Dey

Other: A 20th Century Fox release. Rated PG. 87 minutes