Top-notch bad guy still can't save 'Losers'

The action-packed, DC-comic-book-inspired "The Losers" has apparently been created for young male viewers with attention-span deficiencies, an aversion to intimacy with women and a need to have everything in a movie spelled out on a 10-year-old's level.

Take Jensen, played by Human Torch actor Chris Evans. When he operates a computer, he has this weird habit of explaining what he's doing, even though there's nobody else in the room.

As he downloads data, Jensen announces, "Downloading!"

During a shootout, he takes a bullet in the shoulder.

"I've been shot in the shoulder!" he shouts. Gee, thanks for the update, Jensen.

He's one of five members of the CIA's Special Forces team - aka The Losers - dropped into Bolivia to take out a drug lord's operations.

Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), the guy with permanent 8 o'clock shadow, commands the team. Roque (Idris Elba), the mean-looking, knife-happy dude, likes to stab first and ask questions later.

Pooch (Columbus Short), the nice guy, worries about his wife back home in the States. Cougar (Oscar Jaenada), who never removes his cowboy hat, handles a sniper's rifle with deadly accuracy.

And, of course, there's Jensen, a wild and crazy guy who fearlessly changes clothes in elevators and gets caught by the hungry eyes of admiring women.

The Bolivia assignment goes bad when a bus full of children arrives at the compound about to be destroyed by U.S. missiles. The Losers rescue the children, who immediately die after being shot down in a rescue helicopter intended for the Losers.

Yep. They've been crossed by their boss, a man more powerful than the entire CIA: Max, memorably played by Jason Patric as a prissy little smart-aleck of a megalomaniac who would be, in a better movie franchise, an excellent James Bond villain.

The fearful Losers disappear for a while, until a sexy, slinky, catlike woman named Aisha ("Star Trek" star Zoe Saldana) crosses their paths.

She and Clay go to his hotel room where they try to kill each other and burn down the building. Apparently, this is how Aisha asks him for help to destroy the evil Max.

"When Max takes an interest in something, people die and world maps get reconfigured!" she says.

See? A classic Bond villain.

The rest of "The Losers" jumps from one fight scene to the next, with the quintet freely leaping in and out of countries with their guns undetected by airport security.

"The Losers" comes from first-time feature director Sylvain White, who undoubtedly watched Guy Ritchie's "RocknRolla" and Joe Carnahan's "Smokin' Aces" way too many times before saying "Action!"

White loves eye-straining, strobe-edited fight sequences almost as much as he adores never-ending slow-motion shots. He brazenly recycles the cliched slo-mo heroes' march from "The Right Stuff."

White even shoots the lovemaking scene between Aisha and Clay with flash-edits, bullet-time gimmicks and stop-motion devices. In short, he treats sex scenes with the same detached retina assaults as he does scenes of hard PG-13 violence and killing.

"The Losers" can't be called boring.

Just numbing.

"The Losers"Rating: #9733; #9733; Starring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Chris Evans, Zoe Saldana, Jason Patric, Idris ElbaDirected by: Sylvain WhiteOther: A Warner Bros. release. Rated PG-13 for language, sexual situations and violence. 98 minutesFalse1919792In a surprise scene, Jensen (Chris Evans) draws his weapons to thwart several attackers in "The Losers." False