Shortcomings abound in apocalyptic horror tale 'Legion'
Five things I learned about God and angels from watching Scott Stewart's apocalyptic horror tale "Legion:"
1. God may demand obedience from angels, but secretly loves the rebellious ones that think for themselves.
2. Angels' wings can deflect bullets and slice a man like a hunk of sausage.
3. Angel-possessed humans act just as evil and demonic as Satan-possessed humans.
4. Archangels are a lot like mad slashers. You think they're dead, but they're merely waiting to jump out and scare us.
5. All archangels speak with British accents.
God has finally grown tired of waiting on humans to stop waging war, stop being racist, stop arguing about health care reform and what not.
Instead of washing the plate clean with a 40-day, 40-night rain (or, as we'll call it, California weather), the Lord opts to launch His version of "The Exorcist" meets "Night of the Living Dead" as directed by James Cameron.
He dispatches His angels to possess humans in Arizona and kill a local town tramp before she gives birth to a baby who will re-save the world. The floozy, Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), holes up in an isolated diner, Paradise Falls (metaphor alert!), with her fellow flawed humans.
Among them are disillusioned owner Bob Hanson (Dennis Quaid) and his son Jeep (Lucas Black), who loves Charlie even though he's not the father, and Percy the cook (Charles S. Dutton).
The visitors include a dad (Tyrese Gibson) on his way to a custody hearing, the Anderson family (Jon Tenney, Willa Holland and "Private Practice" star Kate Walsh), and Gladys (Jeanette Miller), a senior citizen who tells Charlie "Your baby's going to burn!" before she rips a man's throat open and scrambles across the ceiling like Spider-Man's granny.
Paul Bettany plays disgruntled archangel Michael as a celestial terminator, gunning down zillions of zombielike humans. He defies God, who dispatches archangel Gabriel (Kevin Durand) to kill him.
Stewart is a visual effects technician directing his first feature film. Little wonder "Legion" packs gut-punching scenes of a dying world, but lacks flair with the spotty story and thin characters.
No background is given on how Charlie's fetus will save the world, although her initial combined with Jeep's make "J.C." If the baby is the Second Coming, why would God have it out for him?
I'm sure there are sticky theological issues in "Legion," but it's hard to take them seriously in a movie this cheesy, derivative and cliched.
You know a horror movie's in trouble when it's difficult to decide which winged character is scarier: Michael in "Legion" or Dwayne Johnson in "The Tooth Fairy."
"Legion"
Rating: ★ ½
Starring: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Charles S. Dutton, Dennis Quaid, Jon Tenney
Directed by: Scott Stewart
Other: A Screen Gems release. Rated R for language, violence. 100 minutes