If only 'Tooth Fairy' hurt less than a root canal

Posted January 21, 2010 10:00 pm

Dann Gire

Look, I'd be willing to pull out all of my teeth and place them under my pillow if I could only, instead of a few measly dollars, retrieve the 101 minutes of my life I lost watching this inane, condescending kiddie comedy that doesn't know what it's doing from one scene to the next.

At the beginning of Michael Lembeck's family fantasy and movie mess "The Tooth Fairy," Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's character, a burned-out professional hockey player named Derek, shouts, "Dreams are bad! They're useless!"

At the end, Derek is all about seeing the light.

"I get it!" he shouts. "Dreams are good!"

Derek starts out as a prima donna on ice, an egotistic superstar who only cares about himself and can't relate to others, not even his single mother girlfriend Carly (a now-matronly Ashley Judd) or her two children, taciturn teen Randy (Chase Ellison) and adorable little Tess (Destiny Whitlock).

After a forced stint as an officially sanctioned tooth fairy under Julie Andrews' direction, Derek presumably becomes a better human being who appreciates kids and Carly.

But if that's true, why does he still lie to her? And, why does the movie condone this?

Who whipped up this morally dumbfounding drivel, anyway?

The Web site imdb.com reports that "The Tooth Fairy" began as a 1992 script possibly intended for Arnold Schwarzenegger as a U.S. marine whose dad was the original Tooth Fairy.

Lembeck's movie has been worked on (and over) by at least five writers, among them Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandell, the legendary team who gave us excellent scripts to "City Slickers," "A League of Their Own," "Parenthood" and "Splash."

Their final hackneyed "Tooth Fairy" script comes littered with constant repetitions of verbal crutches such as "I'm sorry," "I was wrong" and "Awesome!," plus enough bad "wings" puns to cause a flap. (Julie's minions singing "fairy-oke" sounds like an inspired idea, but we never see that happen.)

Johnson, whose earlier transitions into safe, family comedies weren't all that bad ("The Game Plan" and "Race to Witch Mountain") isn't a natural comedian who can take up the slack in a badly written movie that relies on cheap and laughable special effects.

Sentenced to serve two weeks as a tooth fairy for spreading "dissemination of disbelief" among children, Derek receives a magic goody bag from Tracy (Stephen Merchant), the odd-looking Q of fairyland, who equips him with amenities such as invisible spray, shrinking cream, amnesia dust and a magic wand.

Derek not only uses these while collecting children's teeth and leaving behind money, he sprays himself invisible so he can mess up the performance of a teenage hockey phenom (skater Ryan Sheckler) threatening to upstage him on the team.

Yes, I realize this is a kiddie comedy, so shouldn't there be something said about sportsmanship, fair play and using your powers for good instead of messing over a teammate?

"The Tooth? You can't handle the Tooth!" Derek shouts to his adoring fans at a hockey game.

Later, as he sprouts wings and his clothes become ice-blue lame, he says, "I can't believe this is happening!"

I can relate to that.

<p class="News">"The Tooth Fairy"</p>

<p class="News"><b>Starring:</b> Dwayne Johnson, Ashley Judd, Julie Andrews, Stephen Merchant</p>

<p class="News"><b>Directed by:</b> Michael Lembeck</p>

<p class="News"><b>Other:</b> A 20th Century Fox release. Rated PG. 101 minutes</p>

<h1>More Coverage</h1>

<h2>Video</h2>

</ul>

</div>

Article Comments

Article Categories
Entertainment Lifestyle Movies

Article Comments

Guidelines: Keep it civil and on topic; no profanity, vulgarity, slurs or personal attacks. People who harass others or joke about tragedies will be blocked. If a comment violates these standards or our terms of service, click the "flag" link in the lower-right corner of the comment box. To find our more, read our FAQ.