Yes, yes, more juicy details on Tiger, please
So many questions, so few answers Saturday concerning Tiger Woods' auto mishap.
Like, does shanking a car into a fire hydrant and a tree hurt his driving-accuracy ranking on the PGA Tour?
Like, who knew Woods was just another schmo heading out at 2:25 a.m. on Black Friday to get in line for a discounted TV?
Like, do all the scandalous reports flying around disqualify Tiger from replacing Charlie Weis at Notre Dame?
A couple of other questions involve us more than him.
First, do we really want to hear all the rumors of Woods' private life and personal strife?
Second, would we mind if they were true?
I'll answer only for myself: First, yes, I do want to know everything about Woods if only because he has been so meticulous in not letting us.
Tiger tries to market a lot of merchandise to us. It would help to know whether he's a trustworthy person or just another pitchman obscuring the truth about both the product and himself.
The other question is a bit trickier: Would I mind if Tiger Woods were exposed for having acute character flaws?
After about 30 seconds of soul-searching I decided that worse things could happen. You know, like discovering your dog has fleas.
It was somewhat disappointing to learn that Michael Jordan had gambling and philandering issues.
But I have grown up since then and also grown amused by celebrity character flaws.
At least I haven't started buying the supermarket tabloids to read up on the latest dirt. Ah, but glancing at them while waiting at the checkout counter is another story.
(By the way, not that there's anything wrong with it, but what's the deal with the one about Barack Obama having a homosexual relationship?)
Anyway, I'm kicking myself for missing last week's National Enquirer with the story about Woods seeing a New York nightclub hostess, which naturally she denies.
The very day of Woods' vehicular violation, rumors circulated that not all was quiet on his posh home front.
As of now we are left to believe what we want to believe: That Woods' wife used a golf club to break an SUV window to rescue him; or that she swung it in anger as part of an ongoing domestic dispute.
Which brings us back to whether I would mind a minor motor mishap becoming a major image hit on Woods, forcing us to move on to America's next iconic sports figure.
Well, no, I wouldn't. To me Woods, Jordan and others are fictional characters in real-life dramas rather than factual characters in fairy tales. Whatever happens merely is the next chapter in a tell-all book destined to become a major motion picture.
The athletic dominance - the sprawling mansion - the billion-dollar net worth - the breathtakingly beautiful wife.
Followed next by the bigger they are the harder they fall scenario - then the return from the ashes to break Jack Nicklaus' record - finally either the happy-ever-aftering or living in a cardboard box under a viaduct far from a gated community near Orlando.
That's showbiz, folks, and I'm weasel enough to enjoy every dramatic twist and turn. Wouldn't many of you admit the same if granted social immunity?
mimrem@dailyherald.com