'New Moon' waxes romantic, wanes in humor
You gotta feel sorry for Bella Swan.
First, her vampire boyfriend disses her. ("You don't belong in my world, Bella!" he says.)
Then, her werewolf boyfriend pushes her away. ("I'm not good!" he cries, "I used to be a good kid. Not anymore!")
Many times Bella tries to kiss them, individually, of course. But every time, they're either interrupted, or the guy wimps out. There haven't been this many lips quivering in anticipation since the opening of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."
"The Twilight Saga: New Moon" takes up where 2008's "Twilight" left off after Bella (Kristen Stewart) fell for a mysterious teen named Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) with sideburns and luminous skin.
Edward the vampire falls so hard for the human Bella that he announces in "New Moon" he must leave her to save her, especially after a fellow vampire tries to kill and eat her during her 18th birthday party at the Cullen house.
Ed departs, and Bella falls into a deep depression for the remainder of the year, devolving into a basket case of repetitious ticks and sighs with stringy hair and perfectly shaped stiletto eyebrows.
She befriends a 16-year-old local Native American boy named Jake Black (Taylor Lautner), whose physique resembles a young Lou Ferrigno, only not green. "You're buff!" Bella blurts with feminine appreciation.
She falls for the younger Jake. Then he gets a tattoo and hangs out in the rain with hunky young Native American guys who hate shirts and long pants. They turn out to be unconvincing, poorly computer-animated werewolves, and they really hate bloodsuckers.
The beleaguered Bella discovers her adrenaline junkie inner self and starts to do crazy things, like dive off cliffs and accept motorcycle rides with strange and scary bikers.
Where most people would have a guardian angel, Bella has a guardian vampire who shows up in amorphous form like Obi-Wan Kenobi's spirit to advise her in dangerous situations.
"Lie!" Ed's spectral face commands Bella when the hungry vampire Laurent (Edi Gathegi) approaches her, wanting to know if she's alone. She lies, and Ed's disapproving face rebukes her, "Lie better!"
Under direction by Chris "The Golden Compass" Weitz, "New Moon" features more sophisticated and imaginative camera work than original director Catherine Hardwicke employed. (The 360-degree shot of Bella as the seasons change is a cool touch.)
Still, "New Moon" is a downer trip that seldom comes up for air. Weitz nearly ignores the many comic lines designed to punch up and lighten the script. Only Michael Sheen puts a self-deprecating spin on his role as Aro, one of the sagely rulers of the Italian vampire council called the Volturi.
None of this will matter to "Twilight" fans, who will get their modern Romeo and Juliette groove on. (The movie is already a box office smash because of online pre-sales.)
When Ed whispers to Bella, "I want to be the one to do it," we know what he's really talking about, don't we?
Ed's bite of immortality is the metaphor for sexual intercourse, which has been postponed and postponed much like responsible teenagers might postpone doing you-know-what. Ed wants to wait a long time before doing it.
Bella wants to do it much sooner.
Then there's the kicker ending to end all vampire teen romance movies.
Stay tuned for "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse."
<p class="News"><b>New Moon</b></p> <p class=factboxtext12col> 2½ stars </p> <p class=factboxtext12col><b>Starring:</b> Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene</p> <p class=factboxtext12col><b>Directed by: </b>Chris Weitz</p> <p class=factboxtext12col><b>Other:</b> A Summit Entertainment release. (Rated PG-13 for violence). 130 minutes</p>