Special effects don't save bloated doomsday thriller '2012'

Collapsing skyscrapers!

Gargantuan tidal waves!

Crashing airplanes!

White-knuckle escapes!

Bad acting!

Dogs that never die!

Eardrum-busting dialogue!

Roland Emmerich's epic doomsday thriller "2012" packs in everything anyone could ever want in a vintage 1970s disaster movie crammed with second-tier movie stars and outrageous special effects.

Don't even bother with the first 48 minutes of "2012." The good stuff doesn't start until 49 minutes into the story, when Southern California turns into earthquake alley, a big chunk of Los Angeles slides into the ocean, and thousands of people fall out of their (literally) split-level homes into giant cracks opening up in the earth.

No mistake. "2012" marks Emmerich's masterpiece.

After creating a trifecta of apocalyptic demolition derbies with "Godzilla," "Independence Day" and "The Day After Tomorrow," Emmerich tops himself with an end-of-the-world scenario based on an ancient Mayan calendar that stops on Dec. 21, 2012, presumably the date that earth ceases to exist.

"The Mayans saw this coming thousands of years ago!" muses Dr. Adrian Hemsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), an American scientist in charge of keeping the story moving and explaining stuff along the way.

The Mayans apparently understood that huge, 21st-century sun flares would produce radiation that turns the galaxy into a large microwave oven, superheating the Earth's inner core and causing the planet's crust to destabilize.

"Hard to believe that the nut jobs with the cardboard signs had it right all along," says ruthless White House Chief of Staff Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt), referring to placards reading, "The end is near!"

Neither man is the protagonist in "2012." That job falls to Everyguy John Cusack, playing failed novelist and limo driver Jackson Curtis.

He has more on his mind than disasters. His two children are with his sizzling-hot, divorced wife Kate (Amanda Peet), now hooked up with a nice plastic surgeon named Gordon (Tom McCarthy).

"I'm a dead man!" Jackson shouts when he wakes up, late to pick up his kids. He takes them to Yellowstone Park, which happens to be an epicenter for destabilized earth.

It's also the place where a conspiracy nut broadcaster named Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson doing his best to top Slim Pickens' hyper performance at the end of "Dr. Strangelove") warns Americans about impending doom.

Danny Glover plays President Thomas Wilson, a mopey, wooden character whose daughter, Dr. Laura Wilson (Thandie Newton), gets to flirt with Dr. Hemsley.

But that happens much later, after millions of people die from horrible earthquakes, tsunamis, fires and lethal lines of dialogue, and China throws together a massive Noah's ark-like plan to save the world (at least its richest denizens) in what can best be described as a terrestrial version of "Battlestar Galactica."

Had Emmerich cut "2012" down to a svelte 90-minute tribute to classic disaster films, it would have been delightful, roller coaster fun, especially with an Arnold Schwarzenegger stand-in assuring people that "Da verst is o-vah!"

But this bloated monster of a movie rambles on for two hours and 38 minutes, far longer than most people's ability to withstand the constant destruction of earthly landmarks (the White House, Vatican, Rio's Christ the Redeemer statue, the Washington Monument) in lieu of an engaging plot and interesting characters.

"2012" is one big, overblown, shallow, sensationalistic movie that squanders a grand opportunity to say something - anything - about humanity, God, fate, nature or the cosmos.

Emmerich settles for a brainless thrill ride in which Jackson Curtis goes full-bore Indiana Jones as he outruns fissures, fireballs and floods first in a limo and RV, then in a prop plane and a Russian jet.

Sure, the spectacular disasters are fun. For a while.

Before doomsday becomes a rather dulling event.

"2012"

Rating: Two stars

Starring: John Cusack, Thandie Newton, Danny Glover, Oliver Platt, Amanda Peet, Woody Harrelson, Chiwetel Ejiofor

Directed by: Roland Emmerich

Other: A Columbia Pictures release. Rated PG-13 for intense disaster scenes, language. 158 minutes

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