Opinion

No federal bailout for Ricketts' Cubs

Posted September 08, 2009 11:00 pm

Now that Tom Ricketts has bought the Cubs look for the following to happen: One, the Cubs will push for a federal bailout to buy out the contracts of Soriano, Bradley, Zambrano, and Dempster's big toe. Because President Obama is a White Sox fan, government support will be slim to none.

Failing that, the Cubs will sell the Wrigley Field naming rights to the Menninger Clinic in return for 24/7 psychiatric counseling for the aforementioned eccentric millionaires as well as Jim Hendry and Lou Piniella. Piniella will refuse such help, citing his desire to manage the Cubs is proof positive that he's beyond help.

Also, the Cubs will bring back relievers, Phil "the Vulture" Regan and Bruce Sutter figuring that, even at their advanced ages, they are better closers than Carlos "Wrong Way" Marmol and Kevin "Gopher Ball" Gregg.

Failing that, the Cubs will settle on a GPS gizmo to help Marmol find home plate and keep Gregg from throwing fat pitches down the middle. Don't count on that working either.

Finally, does it really matter who owns the Cubs, because the more things change, the more they are same.

Dean Dranias

Aurora

Article Comments

Article Categories
Aurora Communities Counties DuPage County Letters to the Editor Opinion

Article Comments

Guidelines: Keep it civil and on topic; no profanity, vulgarity, slurs or personal attacks. People who harass others or joke about tragedies will be blocked. If a comment violates these standards or our terms of service, click the "flag" link in the lower-right corner of the comment box. To find our more, read our FAQ.