A randy Andy? What would Aunt Bea say?
What?
Sheriff Andy Taylor discussing alternate sexual practices with a woman sans her dentures?
Say it ain't so, Andy!
What's next?
Aunt Bea in a G-string? Opie doing opium? Gomer Pyle starring in a porn flick?
Excuse me while I de-hyperventilate.
All right, I know I should realize Andy Griffith is just an actor like all other actors.
But he's not, really.
He'll always be calm, levelheaded Sheriff Andy from the classic family TV series "The Andy Griffith Show."
Now he's the star of a naughty new sex comedy titled "Playing the Game." He plays aging widower Grandpa Joe, who gets tips from his player grandson on how to score with the chicks in his retirement facility.
His grandson David ("Battlestar Galactica" star Paul Campbell) promised Grandma, who died two years earlier, that he would help Joe get back in the saddle, or some other quaint euphemism for hooking up with a woman.
David works as a car salesman for his jerky dad Dick (Clint Howard, Opie's bro) and knows all about how to clinch a deal. He applies this knowledge to help Grandpa Joe restart his engine.
Joe can't wait for David to turn him into a "chick maggot."
He has a dalliance with a willing woman (Liz Sheridan), but we can tell his heart really beats for Rose (Doris Roberts), who already has a boyfriend.
Meanwhile, David meets his match in Julie (Marla Sokoloff), a woman who thwarts his every seduction, all while setting up a twist ending that savvy filmgoers can clock a mile away.
"Play the Game" was written by director Marc Fienberg, who apparently believes the quality of a script is directly proportional to the number of times that the word "game" is used in the dialogue. ("That's the name of the game!" David says. "Game over!" Joe says.)
Fienberg recycles the usual senior citizen clichés involving Viagra and Alzheimer's disease. As a director, he gives "Play the Game" all the visual depth and scope of an elaborate home movie.
"If you want to win the game of love, then stop playing games with women!" Grandpa Joe bellows to David in the movie's pivotal scene. (Note the two "game" words.)
I once met Griffith while standing in line, waiting to board a jet in Los Angeles about 15 years ago. We exchanged pleasantries.
Had I only known he would wind up one day in "Play the Game," I might have been less pleasant and said, "Seriously, would Aunt Bea want you in a movie like this?"
"Play the Game"
Rating: 1½ stars
Starring: Andy Griffith, Paul Campbell, Liz Sheridan, Doris Roberts
Directed by: Marc Fienberg
Other: A Story Films release. Rated PG-13 (language, sexual situations). 105 minutes