Watson revitalizes old fogies everywhere
OK, so one of the young whippersnappers beat the old geezer in the British Open.
Tom Watson said the headline should be, "Old fogie almost did it."
Heck, Watson did do it even though he was the fogie who made bogey at the 72nd hole Sunday to squander the chance to hoist the Claret Jug.
The 59-year-old Watson accomplished more by finishing second than the 36-year-old Stewart Cink did by winning the Open.
Like, Watson became Harry Potter for us folks of a certain vintage. He made facial wrinkles a sign of character and artificial hips hip.
Winning the title was the only thing that wasn't meant to be. Watson missed that fateful putt, began acting his age in the playoff and failed to become the oldest man to win a major golf championship.
"This isn't a funeral, you know," Watson said at his post-tournament news conference.
No, it absolutely wasn't. It was a revival meeting. Watson breathed life into geezers and fogies on both sides of the Atlantic.
As Bob Dylan wrote and the Byrds sang back when Watson himself was a whippersnapper, "But I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."
Watson's near miss was so inspirational that, even though I plan to live forever, I sat down and put together a bucket list of things to do before time runs out.
1. Complete my personal triathlon in one night: Smoke a box of Cuban cigars, drink a case of Leinenkugels and eat a half-dozen deluxe pizzas.
2. Buy a golf course and turn it into a parking lot like so many miserable golfers have threatened to do.
3. Figure out how to program the navigation system in my car, the cell phone in my pocket and the sand wedge in my bag.
4. Travel to exotic locales like the moon, Madagascar and Monkey's Eyebrow, Ky.
5. Give a 21-year-old supermodel a Porsche so she'll go out with me.
6. Sing the night away to hip-hop karaoke.
7. Get really naughty by playing a round of golf without sunglasses, walking against the light and eating red meat on two consecutive days.
8. Sleep eight hours straight through.
9. Get a prostate transplant to play all 18 holes without having to duck behind a bush.
10. Be elected President of the United States and turn the Pentagon into a roller rink.
11. Watch an entire action movie without falling asleep before the good guys blow up the bad guys.
12. Give a 19-year-old supermodel a Porsche because soon enough the 21-year-old supermodel I gave a Porsche to will be too old for me.
13. Drain that putt on the 72nd hole to win a major.
14. Memorize every line of dialogue from every episode of all the "Law and Orders."
15. Live long enough to see the Cubs win a World Series even if forever won't be long enough.
16. Be dealt at the trade deadline for Roy Halladay.
17. Finally, try to remember where I misplaced my bucket list.
Those, ladies and gentlemen, are my plans.
First, though, I'm going to toast Tom Watson with a Claret Jug-sized pitcher of Metamucil spiked with Jack Daniel's.