'Ruins' no 'Greek Wedding' for suddenly hot Nia
"My Life in Ruins" tries oh-so-hard to replicate the magic that made Nia Vardalos' sleeper "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" such a popular smash.
That 2002 box office bolt of lightning fails to strike twice.
This can be attributed to how "My Life in Ruins" begins - like a really bad episode of the old 1970s sitcom "Love Boat," only instead of a gaggle of guests boarding a ship bound for the open seas, we get a team of tourists boarding a broken-down bus bound for the sights of Athens, Greece.
Another significant change: In "Greek Wedding," Vardalos played a frumpy, dumpy Greek bachelorette searching for true love, and her ordinary appearance, klutziness and self-deprecating sense of humor endeared her to millions of fans, both Greek and not.
That was plain Nia. Now she's Nia-plasty.
The actress has dropped major poundage and has reduced herself to svelte-class fighting weight. She wears tight skirts and jackets. Her jumbled hair now conforms to Elle cover-girl specs. Her makeup looks perfect and she's ready for her close-up in high heels.
This neo-Nia is so gorgeous and affable, it strains credulity that Greek guys aren't hitting on her like baseballs at summer camp.
Emanating feminine charm, Nia plays Georgia, a downsized college instructor in Greece forced to take a job as a tour guide to make ends meet. She has a not-so-friendly rivalry with the oily Niko (Alistair McGowan), who gets the best tourists and has the best bus - the one with an operating air conditioner for the hot Greek summer.
Georgia gets the dregs of the biz, unattractive stereotypes plucked from around the world. They include the obligatory ugly and shallow Americans (Harland Williams and "SNL" star Rachel Dratch), a couple of Australians (Simon Gleeson and Natalie O'Donnell) who've imbibed too many Fosters, two hot Spanish cougars on the make (Maria Botto and Maria Adanez) and generic senior citizens worried Georgia won't find a man to complete her existence.
Only one passenger, an aging Jewish widower named Irv (a surprisingly sympathetic performance by Richard Dreyfuss) develops a character in this movie, and he evolves from a snippy, joke-cracking noodge into a wise and caring father figure for Georgia.
Meanwhile, she remains oblivious to her driver, Poupi (Alexis Georgoulis), who begins as a hairy, human Chia pet before losing his locks and beard, and slowly transforming into a striking dark and handsome guy.
After a fitfully bumpy start, "My Life in Ruins," written by TV scripter Mike Reiss, works up to a comfortable cruising speed as the tourists bond with each other and start feeling protective of their overworked tour guide.
Nonetheless, "My Life in Ruins" lacks the well-defined characters and sense of community that made "Greek Wedding" so special.
No amount of Nia-sporin can make it all better.
"My Life in Ruins"
Rating: 2 stars
Starring: Nia Vardalos, Richard Dreyfuss, Alexis Georgoulis, Rachel Dratch
Directed by: Donald Petrie
Other: A Fox Searchlight release. Rated PG-13 (sexual situations). 95 minutes.