Everything you always wanted to know about Blackhawks hockey

Time for a refresher course, people.

If you haven't leapt upon the bandwagon that's hurtling toward the Stanley Cup (we'll get into what that is later), it's high time you do so.

The Chicago Blackhawks have made it through the first two rounds of the playoffs to make it to the Western Conference finals in spectacular style.

It's the first time in 14 years they've been able to do that. That's nearly as long as it's been since the Bulls won a championship. And that seems like forever, doesn't it?

If you're feeling guilty that you're the last one at the office not to have caught Hawk fever, which is seemingly much more infectious than the swine flu, fret not. We're here to help.

In researching all things hockey more than a year ago in order to feel a little more part of the conversation with my hockey-loving buddies, I stumbled upon some interesting history and facts about the sport. And I've picked up a few more tidbits since then.

Find my Hawks Hockey for Dummies, Version Glossary

Stanley Cup: The holy grail of hockey. It's a gigantic, barrel-shaped silver trophy with the names of all the NHL championship winners inscribed on it. And you don't get to keep it for more than a year, unless you win back-to-back championships. It's one of only two traveling trophies in professional sports.The last time the Hawks got to hoist the cup was in 1961. Ab McDonald scored the game-winner at 18:49 of the second period in game 6, which led to the Hawks taking the series over Detroit 4 games to 2.

Sweater: Baseball, football and basketball players wear jerseys. Hockey players wear "sweaters." Ever play a game on ice? A sweater makes sense. Even if it sounds a little silly to you, you don't want to tell that to a defenseman.

Periods: Don't be an idiot and call them quarters. Why? Because there are only three.

High-sticking: Raising your stick, like pumping your fist, is fine when you're celebrating a goal. But you can't whack someone with your stick above shoulder height without visiting the penalty box.

Slashing: If you whack someone below the shoulder.

Penalty box: Ever been to a confessional when you'd rather be out playing with your friends? Same idea; less conversation.

Power play: When someone on the opposing team has a player in the penalty box, and you have one more man on the ice than they do. Note: This would be an opportune time to score a goal or two.

Faceoff: Picture a jump ball in the NBA, only down rather than up.

Offsides: OK, I still don't get this. It has something to do with the red line and the blue line and the neutral zone and passing the puck between them. You get a gold star if you know this without resorting to the rule book.Here's the easy way to remember: The rink is divided into three-by-two blue lines. An attacking player cannot precede the puck into the offensive zone. I know, it sounds like a Monty Python skit.

Icing: This is not what the Zamboni does (read more about the Zamboni later).

Icing occurs when a team, while at even strength, shoots the puck from its half of the ice to the opposite end of the rink and it crosses the end line, and the defensive team touches the puck first.

Zamboni: That giant street sweeper-looking machine that scrapes the snow off the ice and lays down a thin film of water that quickly freezes over, making the ice all pretty again.

Checking: This isn't touch football, people. The fun part about hockey is that you can lay someone out. And the Hawks are proficient at that. That someone can be a guy in possession of the puck or a guy who just got rid of it. Just don't check anyone after building up, say, locomotive speed by skating from more than several strides away. That's called charging, and you might have to do jail time for that.

Pronunciations

Conversational French and Russian is helpful in figuring out hockey names, even if hockey players are not traditionally conversationalists.

Some hockey names are easy to pronounce: Hull, Orr, even Mikita.

Some are not, and these can only be described as contractions because there clearly are missing syllables:

• Nikolai Khabibulin (hobby-BOO-lin)

• Jonathan Toews (Taves)

• Dustin Byfuglien (Fugetabottit ... just call him Big Buff)

You'll need to know how to pronounce these names if you want to make it through a conference finals game without swallowing your tongue or otherwise making a fool of yourself.

Traditions

Fighting: A hockey game without fighting is like a demolition derby with turn signals. See hockeyfights.com if you don't believe me. What's funny to watch is when one guy pulls the other guy's jersey, er, sweater over his head to make him swing blindly. Just like on the schoolyard when you were a kid. But the experts remind me that if you're only starting to watch now, you can pretty much forget about the fights, because they rarely do it in playoff games.

The lyrics: Learn the words to "Here Come the Hawks." And learn them well. Few can get beyond the first line. Only the crazies can sing the second verse. Here's how it starts:

"Here come the Hawks, the mighty Blackhawks!

Take the attack, yeah, and we'll back you, Blackhawks!

We're flyin' high now so let's wrap it up!

Let's go you Hawks, move off!"

$CLASS=breakhead$The legends

Bobby Hull: The Golden Jet played 15 seasons for the Hawks starting in the late '50s and was one of the top scorers in the league with his monster slap shot.

Stan Mikita: A fan favorite who was more than just a talking head in "Wayne's World." The Hall of Fame forward played 22 seasons, retiring in 1980.

Tony Esposito: The Hall of Fame goalie and 1968 rookie of the year was one of the first guys to splay his body across the ice to keep the puck out of the net. And he kept a lot of pucks out that way.

Marketing campaigns

Current: "One Goal." Perhaps too subtle, too high-minded. Likely to be followed by a brief silence, then a note of recognition, then polite snapping of fingers.

Past: "Cold steel on ice." Now that sums up the game.

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