Sad reflections on a family's tragedy

An argument. An explosion of violence. Three generations of one family devastated.

The deaths of Alan Engelhardt, 57, his daughter Laura, 18, and his mother-in-law Marlene Gacek, 73 - allegedly at the hands of the boyfriend of another Engelhardt daughter - seem so shocking, so unbelievable, that it's hard to consider what parallels the tragedy might have to our own lives.

And yet, domestic violence counselors say, the events that led up to the killings last Friday are not so singular after all.

Not all of the circumstances leading up to the murders of the three family members in their Hoffman Estates home are known. But police believe D'Andre D. Howard fought with his girlfriend, Amanda Engelhardt, 23, and ordered her to leave their apartment, then later erupted in rage at her parents' home after she went there with their baby.

Frighteningly, getting out can be a trigger. "The most dangerous time is when you're leaving," said Rebecca Darr, executive director of Wings, a Palatine-based agency helping domestic violence victims.

Evidence of that is as close as Arlington Heights, where Cindy Bischof broke up with her boyfriend, then was shot by him a year ago outside the Elmhurst office where she worked.

A new law in Bischof's name allows GPS tracking of offenders who violate orders of protection. But Darr and others say women also need to know the first steps to take to escape from an unsafe situation.

Among them:

• Recognize the potential for violence. Amanda Engelhardt, who was spared in Friday's attack, may not have viewed herself as being in a potentially violent relationship. There's no indication she'd previously reported abuse by Howard, but a former girlfriend was granted an order of protection against him in 2007 in Lake County. One woman in four will be a victim of domestic violence, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Past violent episodes against you or others is a big warning, Darr said.

• Go where you won't be found. If you're walking out of a situation that could turn violent, call a shelter or spend the night with a friend he doesn't know, said Sharon Burner, domestic violence program coordinator for the Community Crisis Center of Elgin. The Crisis Center, Wings, A Safe Place in Waukegan and the Family Shelter of DuPage County operate shelters.

• Get advice. Call a crisis line for help planning your next step. Counselors will share strategies that will help you stay safe while getting away from a dangerous situation.

"We'll help her think it through," Burner said.

Some hotline numbers are (847) 221-5680 for Wings, (847) 697-2380 for the Community Crisis Center, (630) 469-5650 for Family Shelter Service in DuPage County, (847) 249-4450 for A Safe Place in Waukegan and (877) 863-6338 for the Illinois Domestic Violence Hotline.