Say no to 'Knowing,' a silly merger of the occult and sci-fi

Alex Proyas' "Knowing" has got to be the most ridiculous, far-fetched and silliest attempt at a serious work of science fiction during the last two decades.

Yet, I found it to be mesmerizing, almost hypnotic in its ability to command my attention, to force me to watch in morbid anticipation of the next epic disaster - rendered with cheap and obvious digital effects - or the next eardrum-piercing piece of bad dialogue. ("Life is just a series of random acts and chemical mistakes!")

Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage, the star of an entire library of genre movies so bad that studios refused to screen them for the press, plays MIT professor John Koestler, a moody, brooding guy still grieving for his recently departed wife.

His little son Caleb (a poor lad stuck with the impossibly snobby name of Chandler Canterbury) brings home a strange letter written by a girl and dropped into a time capsule back in 1959. The letter is a seemingly random series of numbers. Koestler, an astrophysicist, concludes that the numbers correspond to every major disaster since 1959, including several that are yet to come.

"The numbers are the key to everything!" Koestler shouts. Gee, ya think?

Apparently, the letter only records disasters that occur within driving distance for Koestler. That way, he won't be inconvenienced by witnessing a jumbo jet falling from the sky and laying waste to the countryside, or when a subway train jumps the rails and takes out a kajillion New York commuters. (TV commercials show both and kill any surprise here.)

As if that's not enough, little Caleb receives odd communications on his hearing aid from strange blond men who stand ominously around his foggy house at night, looking like Aryan storm troopers dressed for a "Matrix" convention.

Abby Wayland (Lara Robinson) also hears the whispers of the Neo wannabes, even though she doesn't wear a hearing aid. She's the daughter of Diana Wayland (Rose Byrne), who's the daughter of Lucinda (Robinson, again), the little girl who wrote down all those numbers back in '59 and went a little nutty in the head.

Just when you think that "Knowing" must be a biblical prophecy tale, Proyas, the director of the noteworthy films "The Crow," "I, Robot" and "Dark City," darts into a completely different genre, one foreshadowed by the blistery hot weather in October, and the rise of flares on the surface of the sun.

By the time "Knowing" connects the dots (and believe you me, this is one dotty movie), Koestler, an avowed atheist, gets enough religion to contact his estranged minister father (Alan Hopgood) to reaffirm the existence of an afterlife while a literal hell descends upon the planet.

Yes, in addition to cheesy special effects, "Knowing" supplies us with a pretentious religious discussion about determinism vs. randomness. A good try, but it fails to make a stupid movie smarter.

"How am I supposed to stop the end of the world?" Koestler rails.

I'm just glad he didn't try to stop the end of this movie.