'Race' a chase to save face for the human race
It only seems proper that during the week that we get an updated remake of one of the most depraved horror films ever made ("Last House on the Left") we also get an updated remake of one of Walt Disney's cheesiest cornball family fantasies.
"Race to Witch Mountain" resurrects the "Witch Mountain" series of theatrical and made-for-TV movies about two outer space alien kids whose mystical powers of telekinesis - among others - land them in trouble.
This slick, improved revamp stars AnnaSophia Robb and Alexander Ludwig as Sara and Seth, two aliens out to save Earth from an imminent invasion, plus Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as a Las Vegas cabdriver who becomes their ally.
But the true star of "Race" doesn't even show up on the silver screen: editor David Rennie, who slams this special-effects stuffed family adventure into manic overdrive to the point where we almost don't notice the plot holes and non sequiturs that director Andy "She's the Man" Fickman doesn't care about.
The first half of "Race" works wonderfully. It offers thrilling car chases, lots of wrecks, engaging actors, a cosmic mystery and comic dialogue that gooses the preposterous story along.
Then comes the second half, which loses momentum and starts to resemble a lame kiddie version of a James Bond adventure, complete with zillions of bullets that never hit their targets, escapes through air shafts and insane action sequences loaded with big explosions that don't kill anyone.
Johnson plays Jack Bruno, an ex-con trying to go straight as a cabbie, but his former boss keeps trying to drag him back into the wheelman business. Jack's life changes the moment that two kids, Sara and Seth, seem to materialize in the back seat of his taxi.
"We can't trust humans!" Seth cautions. Yet he has no problem with letting Jack witness their secret mountain hideout where they retrieve an alien device (it looks like a souped-up iPhone) that will save Earth, provided that a big, honking "Alien"-like "Terminator" assassin on their trail doesn't blast them first.
Federal agent Henry Burke (Ciaran Hinds) is the obligatory government villain, out to capture the kids and perform unspecified Dr. Mengele-esque experiments on them. (Somehow, Tom Everett Scott winds up in a thankless role as his flunky.)
Jack, out to prove that humans can be trusted, stumbles upon two unlikely friends: astrophysicist Alex Friedman (the estrogen-emanating Carla Gugino) and a nutty UFO author named Donald Harlan (played with fun by "Happy Days" creator and Northwestern University alum Garry Marshall).
And if the sheriff and waitress in the movie look familiar, there's a reason: Ike Eisenmann and Kim Richards played the kids in the original 1975 film.
There's a dog in the story, too. Just because.
I could call "Race to Witch Mountain" a treat for the whole family, or a winning Disney comeback.
But let's be real. This whole movie is just one big testimonial to the impressive durability of Yellow Cabs.
<p class="factboxheadblack">"Race to Witch Mountain"</p> <p class="News">2½ stars</p> <p class="News"><b>Starring: </b>Dwayne Johnson, AnnaSophia Robb, Alexander Ludwig, Carla Gugino, Garry Marshall</p> <p class="News"><b>Directed by:</b> Andy Fickman</p> <p class="News"><b>Other:</b> A Walt Disney release. Rated PG. 98 minutes</p>