Van Lier, Kerr must be cringing

Tuesday afternoon the Bulls announced they would honor Johnny Kerr and Norm Van Lier with tribute patches on the players' uniforms.

Tuesday night I was honored with a work visa for the afterlife, enabling me to visit Kerr and Van Lier as they analyzed the Bulls' 96-80 loss to the Bobcats.

Kerr: "We stunk, Norm. That's my analysis on this one."

Van Lier: "Makes you want to rip those patches off and cram them up their ..."

Kerr: "On top of everything else it sounds like John Paxson and Vinny Del Negro are at odds over Derrick Rose's playing time in the fourth quarter."

Van Lier: "There's only one way to settle it: Go out to the woodshed and slap each other around awhile."

Kerr: "If that'll help win games I'm all for it."

Van Lier: "I'll tell you what Vinny can do. He can take his players out to the woodshed and smack them upside their quiche-suckers."

Kerr: "The problem is the Bulls just don't have any energy or intensity out there."

Van Lier: "The problem is you could stick their (dang) hearts in the Tin Man and he still wouldn't have a pulse and their brains in a hummingbird and it still would fly backward."

Kerr: "It really shows up on the defensive end, doesn't it?"

Van Lier: "That's why they don't score enough. Their defense should ignite their offense but they don't stop anybody."

Kerr: "They're playing like the game is contract bridge instead of pro basketball. Even Vinny said there was no toughness out there tonight."

Van Lier: "They were like rag arms pitching to the Yankees."

Kerr: "You and Jerry Sloan never would have let that happen, would you?"

Van Lier: "You kidding me? We would have taken the Bobcats out to the woodshed."

Kerr: "Is that legal?"

Van Lier: "Who cares? If guys are beating you from here to Hades, you gotta do something drastic about it."

Kerr: "Heck, Norm, in Washington the Bulls went to the White House and President Obama came to their game and you would have thought that would inspire them."

Van Lier: "Instead it looked like they were waiting for the feds to issue a restraining order against the Wizards. My restraining order was these 10 knuckles and two elbows."

Kerr: "Norm, did you ever meet an opponent you wouldn't take to the woodshed?"

Van Lier: "I never played against you, Red, but I've seen clips. You were too tough a sumuvagun for that."

Kerr: "That's a real compliment coming from you, my friend."

Van Lier: "I love you, man."

Kerr: "I love you too, Norm. Sorry about the mix-up on my night at the United Center."

Van Lier: "Up here, big fella, bygones are bygones. Now, you think we can work together to get those patches off the Bulls until they earn them?"

Kerr: "I'll talk to The Man."

Van Lier: "Mr. Reinsdorf?"

Kerr: "Norman, up here The Man is even bigger than Jerry."

Van Lier: "Oh yeah, I forgot."

Kerr: "Want a beer?"

Van Lier: "Sure. Want a cigar?"

Kerr: "Sure."

Van Lier: "Tomorrow night, Red? Golden State? You gonna be here?"

Kerr: "Absolutely ... I don't have anywhere else to go."

mimrem@dailyherald.com